As it turns out, the Mavs lost to the Heat and the NBA final was over.
So what?
I'm even glad that the abhorred team got the better of their opponents; otherwise, I would have been cheering for the home team, wasting more of my time, and god knows what would happen next. But now, I woke up from this nightmare. All that commotion out there had absolutely nothing to do with me.
Therer are many dimensions in this world (for a moment, I'm not talking about physics here) and a few of them interact with each other. For instance, my own dimension interwines with my family's dimension, as we live together and influence each other's decisions. Other dimensions are too weakly connected, if there's any connection at all. The NBA final surely causes huge concerns among basketball fans, but to me, I can't change the way it's going, nor can it do anything to my life. Whether a team wins or loses, I'm happy or not, it is I myself, not the games, that modifies the life I'm living. It is different because I want it to be; the other dimension, at most, can initiate an emotional stir, and that can be easily disregarded as it is maneuverable by the way I choose to perceive things. If I tell myself Heat should win, then in spite of the fact that subconsciously I still prefer mavs, I can easily come to the rationalization that things are just going the way it should be, and understanding the logic is far more powerful than a human's capricious wish, as long as the person has enough sanity.
I used to let these unrelated dimensions guide my through many things. I might become glad, sad, furious, or confident depending on these little things. It's interesting to realize now that my world cannot be more chaotic and illogical, even though I claim to be a zealou adherent to logics and rationality. I almost feel the urge to laugh at myself, for I have imposed unreasonable and irrelevant things on my life without knowing, or admitting it.
Sort things out; it starts now.

In my restless dreams, I see that town. Silent Hill. You promised you'd take me there again someday. But you never did. Well I'm alone there now... In our 'special place'... Waiting for you. Waiting for you to come to see me. But you never do. And so I wait, wrapped in my cocoon of pain and loneliness. I know I've done a terrible thing to you. Something you'll never forgive me for. I wish I could change that, but I can't. I feel so pathetic and ugly laying here, waiting for you... Every day I stare up at the cracks in the ceiling and all I can think about is how unfair it all is... The doctor came today. he told me I could go home for a short stay. It's not that I'm getting better. It's just that this may be my last chance... I think you know what I mean... Even so, I'm glad to be coming home. I've missed you terribly. But I'm afraid James. I'm afraid you don't really want me to come home. Whenever you come see me, I can tell how hard it is on you... I don't know if you hate me or pity me... Or maybe I just disgust you... I'm sorry about that. When I first learned that I was going to die, I just didn't want to accept it. I was so angry all the time and I struck out at everyone I loved most. Especially you, James. That's why I understand if you do hate me. But I want you to know this, James. I'll always love you. Even though our life together had to end like this, I still wouldn't trade it for the world. We had some wonderful years together. Well this letter had gone on too long so I'll say goodbye. I told the nurse to give this to you after I'm gone. That means that as you read this, I'm already dead. I can't tell you to remember me, but I can't bear for you to forget me. These last few years since I became ill...I'm so sorry for what I did to you, did to us... You've given me so much and I haven't been able to return a single thing. That's why I want you to live for yourself now. Do what's best for you, James. James... You made me happy.

It's funny to realize that my screenname is ronnieinamerica, and I'm not even in the US right now.
Either way, it doesn't matter. You can afford to lose once, as long as the same obstacle doesn't trip you over again.
Another day has gone by just like a nap in the afternoon. All the activities outside with friends surely make the time interesting and worthy, but in terms of constructive work, it's a shame there's not much done. I tried to tell myself "it's summer, so chill," but that's another excuse, and excuses don't change anything. Tomorrow I'm going to try even more, and do something that everyone can see and touch and feel with their own eyes and hands.
Good night, yall.

Hey, you know what, the reality ain't that bad.
2 days ago I was pouring out my thoughts of things, and now they all look a little too overdone. I guess this is just the capricious side of a human being, and I'm sorry if I'd do it again sometimes. As it seems, my resolution is still as weak as a thin piece of paper. But despite all that, I can feel I'm starting to pick myself up. I've killed a couple of big distractions lately; even if this is no big feat to anyone else, it gives me reassurance and calms me down a bit. Now I'll just keep this up and improve myself day after day, until I become fully matured.
There's something else I'd like to write down here: I saw on internet something tempting, but imappropriate. Normally I would give way to my curiosity and darker desires, but today, that stuff just made me sick from the start. I am grateful, as I still believe in my standard of values. I won't give in to the scum in this world, just like I never did before.
I still can't place my faith in God, but I do agree with what mom said once before. Fate gives me an ordeal, and I am left with 2 choices, and two distinct outcomes. If my determination is foiled in front of these difficulties, then I'm done for the rest of my life. But if I can step up and make a stand on my feet, then the road will open up for me. I'll fight on. The future is not known, but I have this feeling, this inner inspiration that I will definitely wade through the swamps and arrive at the other end. The silence will soon be broken.
People call me too arrogant, and now I admit it. Moreover, I apologize for every act that annoyed others, and everyone that I have offended. From now on I'll never look down on a person or a thing, because I myself have enough shortcomings to be ridiculed by people. I will behave myself in every single occasion.
To all beings, may God's love be with you tonight.
Ron

I guess this is just a reminder to myself, but I deleted all the previous posts, from the day I had it to now. To be honest, I did hesitate for a while, but in the end, that much of brooding will get me nowhere, so I just went ahead and got rid of all of them. It is almost painful to read them now and recall the happy times before. The truth is a lot things has happened ever since, and everything is just very different from the way it used to be, and that is simply hard to accept.
It's ironic I always thought of myself as a happy person, especially after I went to college. In fact I still insist that I was like that, until I came back home for the vacation. The first day I got back home, I made a promise never to get mad at home, a feat that I achieved in the past year. I used to be short-tempered in many occasions, but at school I never even yelled at someone even when I'm madly furious. I guess I can still be proud to keep the promise, but every moment, I feel more urge inside to break the nonsense and revert to my former self. And if that happens, I don't know how devastated everyone will be, including myself.
When I took the leave, disappointment naturally mounted in everyone's mind. Mom got through because she relied on religion, the God in whom she placed her faith and whole being. I don't know about dad, but he's the toughest guy I know. Everyone else was more or less the same, but I could care less about them because they didn't even understand the entire situation. Actually, no one knew, except myself, since it was so ridiculous that even I felt awkward just thinking and admitting it. I guess you can call me cowardly or heartless, and I won't deny a bit of that.
In any case, now that I was back home, supposedly poised to rehabilitate and get back on form. Thus, I was more upset than ever to find out that I had to deal with more problems. It was frustrating to see how the family tried to help me in their own way, only to make me feel worse than ever and begin to lose the grip of myself, once again. I was well aware of their well-meaning, but when it turned into something bugging you day and night, it was something diffcult for me to appreciate. Still, I don't intend to blame on anyone, anything, because first of all, I shall never make excuses and complaints as a man, and second, it was my fault to begin with.
Sure I still have tons of problems, but everybody else does too. I know all along that the biggest obstacle comes from within myself, but I often lose the battle against this inner monster. I still believe there must be a way to somehow control my every act, as those great dudes are capable of. I need to go out there and present myself, or there shall be no progress whatsoever.
Understanding oneself can be unnerving. It is even more scary to realize that I can look real happy on the surface, but deep down, depression has been lurking all these years. I try everything to make myself forget about it, and I was afraid of it from the start. From the day I came to this continent, I never killed it, and now it had already surfaced and looking to take over. I wonder how long I can last while fighting it off and maintaining sanity.
I heard people saying it is always the best thing that you can find someone to open up yourself, and I don't have such a person. Family has always been caring, but there are certain things that I just do not wish to talk about. I had such friends once before, but no more. I'm sure when I go to the couselors next month, I won't tell them jack either. To put it simply, I been searching for this person all along, only to find her invisible and intangible. As I start to lose my faith, it seems she's going farther away. God is such a being, but there must be another, a person, whom I can touch, speak to, and understand.
I think this much will do for today. Of course, it's impossible to put down all that's going through my mind right now, but I'll have tomorrow, and the day after that, to keep this going, if I'm sane and alive. To all the things in the world, good night and let Lord's love be with you all.
Ron