faith rewound

Maybe nothing can escape facing some sorts of adversity. Probability wise, the chance is just too slim to live day after day of your life without encountering any difficult situations. If I have to be tested to see if I've truly grown up, if we have to be challenged sooner or later on our way to the promised land, then I'd rather accept it on my shoulder now.
There are obstacles standing in the way, harsh words to be heard, doubts and conflicts from within. I understand that faith can be shaken, hearts can be hurt, and like all other troubles, we have to deal with them. There are things that must be discarded as sacrifice, and there are things that needs to be kept intact no matter what. I've come to realize what I need to accomplish within the limited time, and albeit whatever that seems to deter me, the choice has been made and the path has been set. There's never any confusion of that within me, since I've made up my mind in the beginning.
I admit I was careless for a moment, and then found my body dragging my feet to slow me down. Surely it has taken its toll, but I need to change a few gears, tighten a couple of screws, and turn myself to full throttle as quickly as possible. It's a race against time, and other than this time, I will take no more break. Next time i come to a full stop, it will be after I cross the finishing line.
It must be hard work for you too. I know it's not exaggerating to call it the hardest time, but you've walked with me this long, I remember every step we took, and they are all brightening my heart. And in the days coming, I'll do what I can to make your life easier. I admit that I still have growing to do, and I don't want to deny it when you call me immature, but I really want to reach the point where i can carry the whole weight of responsibility on my back and give you a green land to settle on. After all, when we get past this time, we'll become much more grown up, and even if there are more to deal with, we can look at everything with greater faith.
I thought for a while and still can't express my appreciation of you. Maybe I cherish you too much to put everything into words. But at this time, when I'm looking ahead of us, all I want is your hand. Stay close, and there's nothing we cannot overcome.

End of Loneliness

I thought as we leave each other time after time, it’ll get easier for us to say good-bye and head into our own fights with life. But I was wrong. This is the fourth time we have to part for a while, yet it didn’t get any better for me. They say love fades away as time goes on, but baby, it’s really not true in my story. Believe me or not, I really love you more and more everyday, and try to care about you more than before. If I could, I would hug you all night, I would take you to New York with me, and never have to separate from you for a second. But that was just foolish thoughts. After all, I’m already used to live alone, and I’m doing this for the exact reason that we won’t be lonely and missing each other any more. With you in my life, I should take it as a bless, rather than something to rely on. There are things we worry about, and pressure you hate to endure, and I’m taking that off from you as soon as possible.

Baby I’m sorry for all the hard times I gave you. I was thoughtless, and mixed up the order of importance of things. No matter what I want, whether it is justified or not, I would never want to risk doing anything that could hurt you. You’re the present that God has granted to me, and if I don’t take care of you right, I would be indebted to God, and to you. There are things that I’m just not doing right, and every time I see your tears and realize how stupid I was, I just start to wonder how I can’t be better for you. And sitting all by myself in the airport now, as emotions start to fill up my head, I finally thought of the things I could have done, and it’s nothing but regret. But baby, I am grateful that I still have you, and you’re still loving and supporting me. They say behind every successful man there is a woman, well, I haven’t fulfilled my job yet, but when I do, you’re that woman for me. And no matter how hard it gets, I will be true to my words and to you. That day is coming, and I’m devoted to you for the rest of my time in this world, as I also believe you’ll stay faithful to me. Baby sometimes you speak of yourself as if you’re inferior, but you know you’re the best in my eyes and mind, and I never doubted that. I may lose my head and say something ridiculous and harmful, but you know how important you are to me, so please remember, I’ll protect you, cherish you, care about you. I’m growing up and taking more responsibilities. You can write that down, and I’ll show you by starting to do things right, and do what I couldn’t do before.

So baby, it doesn’t matter we have to be away from each other for 4 or 6 months, it doesn’t matter how much we talk to each other everyday, let’s stay devoted, to God and to each other. WE can get thru and we will, so please stay with me, stick together and never give up when trouble hits us, when Satan tries to tempt either one of us, for I do everything to you for God’s pleasure, and for your happiness. I will be your shelter, and a shelter never harms you, only protects you when the storm surrounds you. Baby, I’ll take the pressure off, little by little, and assure you by telling you my faith every time. It’s hard, but we can face this together. When you tell me sometimes you doubted I’m the chosen one, that’s the worst thing for me to hear, because I know I did something that didn’t give you peace and comfort, and shook your belief. But baby, I’ll regain that strong faith from you, because I promised you to be a better man for you, didn’t I? It’s time to right the wrongs and love you in a much better way.

I won’t get mad at you even for the smallest things, but deal with everything with a calm, heart. When I can’t control myself and am about to snap my anger, tell me, if I love you then don’t hurt you. Tell me you love me, and that’ll calm me down every time. Baby, of all things I need from you, I need your belief in me and ever-long love. Other things come behind them, but those two are the biggest support. As long as they are unchanged, we can handle any difficult situations, for I won’t give up on anything about you.

I’m a bit tired and probably need some rest. But I’ll call you soon, because your voice is the best thing to get rid of any bothering emotions in me. But even if I can’t hear from you, our faith in each other will never grow dim, for God put us together, and now it’s up to us to respond to his favor, and together fight for the best. You’re the evidence of God’s bless, and I’ll do my part to glorify his name. And when I’m doing that, even if I’m not by your side, I’ll get closer and closer to you and eventually become one with you, as we promised to each other and always wish to be. That’s the true end of loneliness, and I’ll hold your hand tight during this rocky road, for eventually, it’ll turn rosy and bright. Let’s move on, and this time, believing in each other more than ever.

Baby, accompany me all the way, and love me as you always do, for I’ll do the same, and the future is right there and within reach. It’s darkest right before the sunrise, so stay close to me, let me take you through the hard days, and arrive in the place we’re longing all these years. I’m determined, so please let me know you’re always there. Baby, mom said that I’ll leave you to find someone else before I graduate, I’ll change and complain you’re old after a while, well, thank you for still believing in me, and I’ll prove them wrong. Because our faith isn’t based on things like that, but instead, it comes from our mutual belief in Him, and through Him, his bless is the most powerful and convincing. Like Pastor Yu said, everything can be overcome, and with His permission, nothing will be in our path. Let me live up to your hope, and for the glory of Lord. That thought gives me even more motivation to fulfill my words to you. You’re the gift, and let me treasure you as much as I can. Thank you baby, and I love you, really, really a lot.

beside my sleeping baby

I guess one year ago, I never imagined a year after, you would be sleeping like a quiet baby by my side.
In all honesty I wanted to head out tonight. It seems like whenever I end up at your place, I've got to stay inside for quite a long time. You know, I've had days when I couldn't go out for a week, and that almost drove me crazy. Sometimes I need the fresh air to keep my lungs alive, but o well, after I took a look at you in the bed, I just felt it'd be too cruel to drag you up from there and go out with me. Your sleeping look isn't great - forgive my imprudence - but it's lovely enough for me not to break the peace around you. To bother you even less, here I am, finding nothing in particular to do, but recording one sweet moment of the day.
I thought about the blog you wrote earlier, and the reason you won't write on our space any more. It's kind of nostalgic to visit that place again, because after all, that was where we traded thoughts day after day, our own little universe, even before we chose each other for the other half. If we couldn't be entirely open with each other during an argument, we would always go there and try to reach a solution through writing. You refused to write there anymore after the clause that I quoted from a certain entry a bit too often. If you can revive the space once I stop quoting from there, then by all means, I will not mention that again. I understand that you prefer silence in time of arguments, and I accepted that from the very beginning, but I still want to hear the voice of your heart, and that was the place you used to show me your truest feelings.
I didn't know you were thinking of yourself that way until I read that entry; I thought I was the one needing improvement all along. Well, I didn't know for whom you wrote that one, but if you were talking to me, I don't mind at all. I don't know what things you were referring to, but I know you aren't very happy, and I was one of the big reasons. If someone has to say sorry, it won't come to your turn. And if there's an ugly side of you, then so is there to me, and we can call it even. I accepted you and that includes it all. Besides, my problems come from myself, and all I ask is sometimes, you can care about me a bit more when I need you the most. You're already nice enough, but I have to admit that I'm greedy, so please bear with me a bit more, okay? And lastly, don't say you're of no use or there's nothing you can do. You're my girlfriend and you are the best I can ever ask for. If you think you need to be better, then let's do it together, because I think I need more than you do.
Baby, if I don't talk to you again tonight, then let me wish you a good night here, and come find the surprise later on. You're always happy to find out i wrote something, and let's hope I don't disappoint this time. And last usual thing to say, I love you, so very much.