In the only 10 minutes I have, I'll be as brief as possible.
In this night prior to the new year, I wish you all the best.
In the deepest chamber of my heart, I open myself up to the words of my Lord.
In every moment from now on, I will pray for your joy till the end.

Happy new year.

Ben Stiller apparently enjoys his night stay at the museum. And also quite apparently, I don't find my time past dinner very exciting.
That's why I need a change, why I have to get out of this city and leave everything behind. Because I'm not good at adapting to this anymore, because I hate myself wasting my limited time on unlimited useless thoughts and things, because I have no other choice.
I was playing games on my computer, but all of them have lost their attraction to me. I was watching TV, but the liveliness from a electrical box makes me feel like I'm a dead man walking. I was thinking about you, and albeit the sporadical spurt of happiness, more often I get besieged by worries, insecurity, and, worst of all, a sense of powerlessness.
You know I like being funny, but this is nothing to laugh about. I need a different format of life. I need to be busy from dawn to dusk, but I don't want to be busy watching the self-repeating news or playing the inane video games. I need to make plans, but I don't want to plan something I have no way of completing. I need to get a deep breath, but I don't want to inhale any more of this smelly air. I need movies in my life, but instead of watching it, I want to play a role and change the course of the story.
I can't deny the fact that I'm running away, escaping this whole reality of this city and retreating to my worthless ivory tower. But watch me, for I'll come back, and bring the most beautiful flower to honour no one but you, my greatest Lord, and my sweetest angel.

I waited for the clock to point at midnight position, then started to write things down.
Because I promised I wouldn't write more than 1 piece everyday, and I take it seriously upon myself.
Once you said a follower of God shouldn't be partying all night. I doubted its validity, but was glad that I didn't do anything outrageous tonight. If it weren't for this stroke of luck, I would be stuck at that girl's place playing some meaningless game, spending my night in a peaceful, yet totally regrettable way. Instead, I could get some sleep, and think of you again.
But really there's nothing I should think of. You're with God, as you always have been; and under his wings, you should be comfortable and at ease. Still, in God's name I pray for you, hoping to add more to the joy in your life, even if just a little bit.
There seems to be more gushing out of my mind, but I will leave it for now, as tomorrow is a brand new day. I will try not to waste a moment, because I need to grow up as soon as possible, to match your expectation. Let's just hope it will not take too long.
To you in the journey far away, God speed.

New friends vs. old friends, new friends win.
I'm not saying old friends are not as important as before; it's just when new ones come, I will unconsciously give them a higher priority. You can call me forgetful or cold-hearted, but I'll just be fine with that. This is not something I'm empowered to control.
I guess it is similar to memory, because the recollection of the past often gets replaced by the events at present. If we are stuck with some particular occurence in some time long ago, then how can we move on with life and make decision for today? Troubles never cease to exist in reality, and to deal with that, we have to put off the past, no matter how glorious it may be. But it is helplessly sad that once we get a break in our lives, we might forget where we store all the fond memories from before, and they are lost in the tunnel of flowing time, drifting down the river of history forever.
That's why I am afraid of leaving, for I know if I travel long enough, one day I will be unable to recall your figure, you face, and even your name. All that will be left to me, is just your seemingly nostalgiac silhoutte. I may want to reach out, but I will stop as I'm unwilling to be mistaken. I know my journey will last quite a while, and so I don't want to make any empty promises. I just want you to know, if you can let me hear your voice or see your smile once in a while, then I'll be much more comforted, and this faith won't die out easily.
Give me a reason to come back, because that's all it takes to keep you dear to my heart.

I bring out a pop out from the fridge, take a sip, and put it back.
Unfinished business.
A while ago, don't remember how long, I came to the realization that I had started something I couldn't quite finish, without even knowing it. I'm not someone who can just leave things alone, though, and it's been tormenting me for quite some time now. Maybe I'm dim-witted, but I cannot excuse myself for not trying what I can. I can leave everything to my Lord, yet I need to accomplish what he asks me to do.
So before my thought drifts away once again, I decide to cut it off right at this moment. There's something I want to remind myself, but I lost it when I was translating my life today onto this blank space. Remember when you project things to a lower dimension, you will lose the original look of them? My life has four dimensions, but a blog has only two. So, unwillingly, I can't carry all the treasures aboard, and the rest I just have to leave them somewhere in my memory.
But I still haven't lost the most precious ones, and I'm grateful of that. You know I'm tired of mentioning the same thing over and over, so I'll just be quiet, and appreciate this golden silence tonight. It's God's blessing you came back safe, and may his guidance always lead you and me. Buenas noches.

On this quiet Christmas eve, I'm left alone once again.
Remember what I said before? When I'm all by myself, I just can't help thinking about you.
I know I'm still too young and naive, and I admit I have no idea where to go next, but, I guess there's no penalty in just thinking. And it's just interesting to self-reflect: now I look at you with a calm heart, I just can't find any reason to keep myself up with you. I mean, you and I are just too incompatible with each other, yet there's still something unclear, something I can't quite grasp within myself. I don't know what will happen next, but even if this whole drama comes to a mediocre ending, if I am to reason with myself, I don't have any cause to feel sad. Maybe it's you're just as ordinary as everyone else, and I like that plain side of you.
It's true I sometimes can get lost in meditating about strange ideas, but that's just the other half of my personality. And you can't blame a Gemini for doing this; it's something we're born with. But when the situation grants it, I can get as pragmatic as a person can ever do. That's why I chose not to stay behind, but go on with my life. I know staying with you might actually increase our time together, but I'll never be able to fully grow up like that. And I choose to mature. I don't know if I can make it in time back to you, and I really don't care, for this is the path I decide to take, and even you can't have a say to this. I will still treat you as a friend, though, so rest assured, because I trust you'll do just as fine on your own, much as I always do.
I feel regretted that I haven't been able to come up with something pleasing to your ears, and you know I'm always clumsy with words, especially in a moment like this. But there's just something, and I think you already know it, yet I'll say it again: have fun in every day of your life, and until we meet again, let us lock this up, and get on with this world.
I see Lord's light shining up in the sky, and may his warmth embrace you and me. On this peaceful night, I deliver this wish to you on your journey: may His love be with you, no matter where you are. Merry Christmas.

All the time left for me, is just a little bit more than 3 weeks.
Calls have been made, emails have been written, and everything else has been confirmed. The operation has been a success, days before the absolute deadline.
When I make a decision, I try not to regret it. Today, someone questioned my booking of ticket, and it annoyed me quite a bit. As soon as my plan comes into effect, there's no stopping it. It's like a wheel rolling down the slope; if it's destined to reach down the bottom, why would someone waste his time doing something so thoughtless? Of course he can make suggestions beforehand, or criticize me after the plan has failed, but doing it right now would just take courage out of me. Don't say whatever you wish just because you're the elder, a well-thought plan by a youth isn't necessarily inferior to a senior's whim-of-mind comment. If you try to laugh it off, then we shall wait and see what will happen.
All that aside, today was, at best, uneventful. And when things get peaceful, I will helplessly think of you again. I once thought separation by time and space would be hard to tolerate, like how I couldn't stand it if I hadn't seen you for a day, and you were miles away from me. Looking ahead, I have to give a bitter laugh at my naivety: this time, we'll be apart by thousands of miles, and it's going to last months before I ever get to see your face again. Talk about relative. I just hope before time's passing wears out my memory again, you appear in front of me once more.
I'm not used to being this direct with myself, and I don't know whether to feel good or bad when I do this once in a while. I admit the peace of mind has gone out of me right now, and while I'm waiting for it to come back to me, please bear with all my imprudence and careless words. For if I hold only one truth within, that is I will always, with all that I have, care about you.

This time, I think I really caught a cold.
I don't usually get sick; actually, this might be the first time this year that I get this much physically uncomfortable. When people around me begin to not feel well, I always tell them it's okay and just hold on a bit longer, and it's going to be fine in the end. For myself, I almost forgot how it felt to be sick.
I don't want to, and I don't have the time to trace back my life for the past days to figure out what went wrong. I just know it happened, and whatever the reason was, the cold has rendered me useless. Honestly, it feels utterly pathetic to write this diary at this moment, but I guess I'm just doing it to remind myself again in the future. Moreover, I can't afford to get sick too frequently, because I still need to take care of the people I love. It's harder for me right now, as they are the ones caring for me.
I wanted to sleep in bed all day and just leave the outside world in oblivion for a while. But at the same time, I felt the need, or this unreasoned desire to still accomplish something within this limited time. I can't counter when you said my life looks carefree, and in fact I tried to make it so, but there are always something you just can't let go of.
It's nostalgiac to recall those days, when I was sick and grandma was staying by my side, telling me about heaven and earth, good and evil, past and future. I hardly understood any of them at the time; it's just she seemed really happy saying all those weird things, her eyes sparkling with delight, and somehow, it telepathically delivered to me, so I did feel a little bit better. Shame on me that I still can't quite comprehend some of what she said, but I know one thing for certain, and that is she was making a wish, wishing that one day I would grow up and realize those unrealistic expectations. You can dream no matter how old you are.
I'm sorry I wasn't born a prince, and I'm never going to influence the world in the way you want me to. But when the day comes I bring my princess home, will you still be proud of me?

You're just too damn right.
When we get on with our lives and leave the dear ones behind, it's really for the good of both of us. You'll drag me behind, and I'm not really pulling you out of the water either.
And so it confirms my departure, because I only got a hundred years to live, and can't afford my precious time with you while doing nothing constructive. I really think so now. How could it take me so long to arrive at this almost no-brainer. I already knew in this current state I'm not yet mature and still need much growing to do; if I stay here any longer, it will only delay the completion of the process.
If my leave means anything, then let's just leave it at that. For we can spend plenty of time in retrospect once I come back; although I doubt if I do ever come back, we'll be still the same as we are today. A better man means a different man, and I'm not certain I'll look at it the way I look at it now.
And here I disconnect any other thoughts than getting back in full swing. It's definitely pleasing to have you for the past year, and now I will open myself up to welcome the next chapter of my life.

Today I learned that some differential equations have one and only solution.
Some might be not solvable in the first place.
If my life were one big equation, how I wish I could arrive at my solution soon.
School is over, and suddenly it seems I have much less I need to do. People say comfort generates laziness, but in my case, while getting more and more lazy, I don't seem to gain much comfort either. I believe the equation in my life is always balanced, so what is it missing on the other side?
I know what I should do, but "should" can hardly convince myself. When I finally made up my mind to go to church yesterday, even I was surprised by the fact I was listening to my reasoning for once. Getting used to not doing what I should do becomes a habit, and more often than not, it would end up being more logical not doing something useful, rather than doing it at all.
But I guess I was only fooling myself. They say no matter who you are, be you the biggest villain or whatever, there is a good side inside of your conscience. I'm starting to dig out this hidden treasure, and it has already made changes inside of me. Thanks to you, now it feels like I'm a different person.
The road is still long, and my word of promise might just be a leaf floating on the ocean. It's going to sink one day, but I'm just hoping, before that happens, I arrive at that promised land. The trek doesn't look really auspicious, but if there's only one ship leaving the port, I only have one choice and that is to embark on it.
Everyone knows I'm forgetful, and if I ever forget what I said before, please forgive my fading memory. You understand when you leave an inn on your road, it's only natural to lose a couple of things behind, like a comb, a soap, or your wedding ring.
I said I would come back to where I began, but that might just be an unintentional lie, because I might not be able to come back at all. It doesn't mean that I'm not dreaming about the mellow moon, the mysterious nightsky and the sweet breeze back home; it's just sometimes, I have to give in to the circumstances than my own free will. It's never easy to travel alone.
I will stop speaking of you, because I really need to give myself a little attention. This time, I think I'll be a little bit selfish, and I can excuse myself for doing that. I said I'd be fine living on my own, and if it is the only path, I am willing to kill of any remaining irrelevance, and disregard what's behind my back.
But no worries. I thought my heart could be as cold as a stone, and I tried to make it so, but I'm too nice of a person to actually do it to the people I love. Thus, I'll continue to love you in the way I always do, because without it I wouldn't be myself. But it will not deter my decision to depart, for a rover is who I am, and that consists of the meaning of my life.
And one more thing, all hail to Jehovah, as now he's the only link between you and me.

Insolate this.
I'm heading another direction, and here is the end for the two of us.
I'm glad I finally revealed what I couldn't say all along; and I know this kills any suspence left. I don't regret it though; if God wills this, then I will just accept it.
Thanks for all the fond memories, but now I'm moving on.
Adios.

Sudoku is an excellent game, but I'm just too tired to play it right now.
So instead, I came here, to relax my half-dead brain, and spill out the unnecessary emotions.
Because it's not needed, certainly not by you, and not me either.
I am impressed by your faith, even though it is in something airy. You make sweet wishes because your heart is filled with honey, and you care less if they come true. If they don't, you can still live like the way you live now. That's impressive, because it's something I'm afraid of doing.
Not long ago, just like you, I had woven a cocoon made of all the joy in my life. It was so close to reality that I lost myself to it, ignoring everything outside. I locked myself in and lived off my belief. Too bad eventually someone broke in, draggin me out of this self-made utopia, and possibly, saving me from being smothered to death.
And now I'm scared to dream again, because I can make dreams look so realistic and never get out of it. I stuck my feet on the soil of reality and withstand the blowing of the fairytale wind. It feels like a long march, and it's filled with both fun and pain, surprise and expectation, love and despair. After I was forced to realize world is not perfect, the journey brought me the sense of being alive.
I admire you, because you remind me of my old self and those sweet, or rather bitter days. You can dream of a perfect world in sleep, but dreams themselves are not perfect: once you wake up, all the candies and fairies go away, and you are left alone with nothing but emptiness. I don't know what I should tell you, because entering the realm of being awake can be frightening. Maybe I should just leave you alone, as a sleeping beauty, never to be awakened by those gentlemen-looking, but vacuous princes.
As I get on with my life, I wish you another, if not the last, sweet dream.

What I know is that eventually, a crossroad will be waiting there for me. What I don't know is it seems I'm already there now.
I used to play computer games and in all those rpg ones, mazes are unavoidable. I have to figure out ways to get out of it, or otherwise I get stuck in it forever. When you come across a choice, you don't know where it leads to, and if it's the right direction. You won't realize you're at a dead end unless you reach there. Sometimes when you jump up to look across, the exit is only one wall away. But don't be too delighted yet, because you may as well be at the farthest point away. You can drill a hole in the wall to make a shortcut, but that breaks the rules.
It would be nice to be able to drill through the wall though. But in the maze of life, you can't do so unless you travel back in time. If you're not smart enough to manage such a feat, which I certainly can't, it's better to look for alternatives, even if it means going back to the origin and starting over.
As I am about to leave you behind, the choice is already made and we both know it. If you can take it as nothing more than a daily occurence, then so will I. I can't, and I'm not going to forget this story between us, because I don't make decisions by a whim of mind. If we have to cut off the storyline, then that's what I'll do. Remember my promise? I won't give up creating miracles, but only if you still possess the will to continue. If my purpose is taken away, then I'll write my future from scratch again, only with a different person this time, or possibly, me alone.
It feels awkward to be in an ambiguous situation like this, and I will clear any suspence very soon. I don't reject the probability of parallel universes, but they will come to one end down the road. When the moment of truth arrives, let us pray God will grant his grace to us still, as his love remains eternal and ever inspiring.

I can't deny the fact that it sounds absurd, because sometimes it doesn't make sense even to me.
I won't go as far to defend my belief, because a belief isn't a perfect concept.
But somehow, I know it's going to be that way, and my faith hasn't dimished a bit all this time.

I understand how you feel when disappointment hits you right on. It seems every kind of imaginable trouble begins to lay a siege on you, one by one, and the road gets just worse. You want to escape, by wishing you could go back to being a child, by doing something else to distract you from all this mess, or by simply wanting to leave this world. Everybody feels it sometimes. But as long as you don't give in, as you still hold firm to what's most precious in your heart, dark cloud will be cleared, vicious gust will cease, and troubles will leave you in peace. I'm sorry I don't have the power to deliver the joy to your side, but in God's name we pray, as his fatherly love embraces us all.

In the land of magic,
I am the only one ordinary.
At the table of fabulous,
I am the only one anonymous.

And I'm just fine with being the incongruous.

Being different invites misunderstanding, conflict, and hatred. I've been through all that. But if the difference is beneficial, it will eventually show because the inferior will get eliminated. Í know I'm peculiar, and you can all despise me for that. But one thing you should know, I'm better at remaining alive, and that's what makes me the superior species. You're welcome to throw everything at me, but just so you know, there is a wall between us, and nothing can break it through.

I don't believe eternity, and am aware of my own end. I'm just trying to make this life worth the effort. Living is hard, and living well is almost impossible. I'm not born into some royal families, and even worse, I am different from the ordinary. therefore, I am destined to wander this earth alone till my last breath.

There have been all kinds of people I encountered. Some of them were pure malicious, and I would shun away from them as much as possible. Others could ignore my difference, and somehow in me, a desire to stay close to them was harboured. But I had to remind myself all the time, because when the good time is over, nothing would be left except a painful memory.

And here I see you again. I know you're not an enemy, and that's what makes things even worse. You never attack me, yet you leave me with scars deeper than from any battles. You depart with a smile, yet take away my hope and the reason I keep fighting.

I can't keep this up anymore. This is why I ask myself to erase everything about you until the pain is subdued, and force myself back into this reality. You are as beautiful as a sweet dream, but dreams are killed once I wake up. Thank you for hardening my heart once again, and next time we meet, I will not remember who you are.

When the tide is low, come visit me.
When the sea gets hideous, find a haven.
When you are having a hard time, entrust your concerns here,
because I'm not going down before you can fight for yourself.

It's our little promise, something we made to each other long ago.
I am to protect, and you are to be protected.
Cause and effect, giving and receiving, in and out.
And just like that, the parity is conserved.

But one day I'll be gone, and you'll be left alone.
Will you still be able to smile like you're doing now?
When I'm no longer there to steer the boat in the storm,
will you still remain calm like you always do?

You always ask tons of questions,
and I can give an answer to each of them.
But when your curiosity exceeds my wits,
who will be there to dispel your doubt?

I have been a knight since I was born,
and you are the lord I made my pledge to.
I never ask for anything in return,
because your presence alone keeps my faith alive.

I am proud that I never lost a duel,
and kept your honor unblemished.
But one day when I get old and defeated,
will I be forsaken and forgotten?

But even so, I have no regrets,
since I cannot manipulate my own end.
I always prepare for the worst outcome,
and hope for the best result.

When you are in danger if I'm not there,
please don't panic or fear.
For I will become a guardian spirit,
forever watching over you in my afterlife.

Este Invierno
This winter is a little bit colder than usual.
Or so it seems.
What's more unusual is that I actually got to see snow before Christmas. It wasn't November yet when the first snow came off from the sky. I mean, getting lots of precipitation is common in where I live, but when the rain drop turns into snowflake, it becomes quite peculiar, as if the season suddenly puts on a mask, giving a different stage play.
And it freaks people out. School is closed, traffic is in chaos, and I am forced to stay in. The bone-rattling wind paralyzes the nerve connecting the inner and outer world. And I am left, to my own device, into a state of meditation.
We all know seasons alternate. Winter follows the summer, and spring comes after winter. From the chills of air, people endure, then begin to imagine the future, the good times to come in the spring. I guess this applies to us all: when the hardship becomes too great or too painful, we seek something consoling, whether it physically exists or is merely born from a wish. Self-disciplined fellows call this self-escape, but it's actually difficult to live on without doing so. When there is no one around, when everything turns its back on you, when you are deserted by all, you can't stop the invasion of despair. It becomes something intangible, sinking into your skin little by little, and in the end, occupying your entire consciousness. If there is no internal motivation to fend it off, then there is really no escape. People are born with the ability to dream, and in dreams we create a separate reality. It's perhaps truthful to disregard the dreams most of the time, but we do receive something value when our mind isn't being manipulated by the outside world. For example, we perceive something palpable in dreams, whereas in reality it may be only an abstract concept. We see what's there instead of what we think it is. In other words, dreams allow no lies.
But a dream dies when we wake up. There has been so many mornings I open my eyes with a cloggy mind, still having one foot in the dreamy realm. But after a while, the dream dissipates into nothingness, and reality gushes in. There's not a second entrance back to the dream last night. Sometimes I try to continue where I've been left off, but soon it feels foolish to weave a lie that can't even convince myself. In dreams you can be in a life-threatening situation, or even have yourself decapitated, but your consciousness forbids such a possibility. When you direct a play, there can be no surprise.
In this cold, I feel I'm even farther away from what I'm seeking. The ice makes the road slippery, and even a small step requires careful balance. I need to reserve 10 more minutes than usual to make it to the bus, and 20 more to get to work in time. But towards you, I don't know how much I must start ahead, since I never did reach you even once.
It's interesting how things are related to each other. Sometimes it goes against the intuition too, like how you try to distance two things, but they get attracted to each other in some other ways. Also, some things are only connected one-way; this might be moving to that, but that might be moving to something over there. These motions don't reciprocate, which makes the big picture more interesting.
I know right now, you're looking through the frozen window, thinking about him far away, and can't stop feeling out of place and left alone. And I understand that, because I feel the same way. Everyone has dreams, and some of them simply cannot be fulfilled. To me, you are one of those fairy tales. But it's fine if I don't ever reach there, because fairy tales are not permitted to exist in this reality. Remember what I said about perfection? It's just another name of emptiness, but it does entice us to climb higher and purify ourselves along the way. Your presence reminds me of the fact that I still have a lot of growing up to do, and I'm simply not at the same level as you. But it's all right, that alone is a good reason that it's nice to have you here, and I thank God for making it happen.
Tonight, I am sitting beside a fireplace, staring at the dim road light outside, and thinking about you and me. Really there's nothing to think about, but that's what makes thinking interesting despite its uselessness. Maybe you are doing the same thing, maybe you are also thinking about the blossom of flowers in a couple of months, maybe you are also making a blueprint of the happiness ahead. I suddenly feels an urge to look back, all those moments of sour and sweet, like opening a wrinkled chronicle dyed with the color of age. Once I said to myself, there were disastrous decisions in the past, and I regret it very much. But if I'm given a chance to relive those times, I would make the same decision. I had a reason when I chose my path, and that's all I need to prevent myself from falling into an abyss of self-deprecation. That's why I never felt sorry to have known you, because you meant, and still mean a lot to me.
I hate it to say "see you tomorrow", because I want to be with you right here, right now. But all that aside, let us pray to God for giving us this moment, in silence, to think about what we did and what we will do.

It's really annoying to have this snow, at least sometimes.
It's too cold to open the window, but if it's shut, breathing gets harder.

It is just so real.

I am forever at a crossroad. There are paths I need to choose, even if I don't know where they will lead me to. Eventually there will be a dead end, inescapable, waiting quietly under my feet. Along my way, there might be omens that warns me to step away from it, and I'll choose a different route to keep myself alive a bit longer. But there might as well be no such signals at all. The end comes abrupt, taking away my being as a whole.

I am a passenger, an actor in this stage called life. When my chapter is done, next generation will take my place. Whether I remain in people's memory, that's not up to me.

Left and right may never reconciliate, up and down can never unify, and does that mean you and I will never stand together?
We are polar opposite, yet just like the two ends of a magnet, we are attracted to each other. When I am here and you are there, I cannot help but wanting to wade through the water and hold your hand. But when two pieces of magnet becomes one, we become neutral again, and the attraction disappears into the ether.

Yes. One day, all of a sudden, we'll lose it, as if it has never existed in the first place. Walking by you in the streets, I won't throw my head around and stare at your back. Something may tickle my memory, but you are just another passenger, and our past is locked in that distant castle.

In the end, we'll enter another realm, and there we can relive the past, like watching a personal movie. There maybe exclamation marks here and there, and you perhaps will recall my name, but we can't direct this movie. What is done, is done, it's no use trying to rewrite the history.

Go to bed, because tomorrow I'll move on. I don't know where I'll end up at, but as long as I stay alive, in this falsified reality, I will defend only myself. It is fine to fight on without a purpose, because fighting itself is a valid one. Don't mind me picking the thorns along the stem, since I never intend to see the rose in the first place.

It's not who's the best; it's who's better at it.
No one can execute a perfect plan, that's why a perfect plan can't be created in the first place.
I don't know what to do about this, but I know sooner or later a solution will come up to me, because time has to move on.
Except God, everything in this world is relative, and that's why life cannot exist without death, peace cannot be craved without war, and love cannot be born without hate.
But maybe there is one more, just one.
Because no matter what happens, I just want to hold on to you.
When I'm with you, I don't know if it's love, because I don't know what to hate;
when I'm with you, I don't know if I'm at peace, because I can't remember how to fight;
when I'm with you, I don't know if I'm still alive, because death has lost its meaning to me.
Once I made a wish: I would like to pass away in your embrace, and in my next incarnation, let me be born into your arms.

But I know, all it means is nothing but a distant utopia.
I have to move on, because I was born to journey;
I have to forget, because the world still needs war to remind me of peace;
I have to die, because no one lives forever.
And, I have to remember that you're nothing more than a symbol of perfection.
A holy land never to be reached by mortals.
A shooting star leaving only an eye-pricking flash.
A wound only to be healed by death.

I'm sorry I've been weak,
I regret it I'm still young,
I am disappointed I can't reach out to you,
and I hate myself for everything I can't do.
I swear to myself that I'll come back,
and I'll be a different person when I return,
but when that happens,
you'll still be you, but someone I can no longer recognize.

Some say a journeyer never stops,
whether it's a nice view, a comfy inn, an unexpected reward, or a beautiful person.
He walks on, towards only the ultimate truth, the absolute treasure, the pristine neverland.
And when he treads upon it, he will die in content.

This must be my fate,
and I'm here to accept it.
I'm glad I spot you today,
but tomorrow I'll leave it to a chamber in my heart, never to be opened again.

Next morning, when I wake up from my eternal dream of this life,
let's meet again in that boundless grassfield connected to the horizon,
in that verdant forest bathed in the sunshine,
in that flowing brook only known to the two of us.

It's a game. Some people say life is a game, except the rules are little different. It just cares less about rules. If you get what you want, it's all good even if it violates the rules.
And you need others to play your game. Sometimes people work together to achieve something. The important part is you've got to share the work. If you push everything onto a single person, then trust me, you'll never make shit happen. A invincible general can't lead a bunch of morons to victory, and he won't even try. If you're working together with some idiots who can't even tell what their names are, then just quit it. There's absolutely no point.
Sometimes one person is enough to mess up the whole game. When you got a dozen people doing the same shit, the chance is 99.99%; unless your partner is god, who can win a game by default. If god is playing basketball, he can make the opponent shoot their own basket, and the worst case is a 0-0 tie because they missed all their shots. But people are no god. That's why, never recruit any imbecile to your team, if you don't want to take the blame of losing. We all know idiots are good at losing. What we might not know, is that idiots are also good at dodging responsibilities. That's why they can fool around for a while; when you realize they're no good at all, they're already somewhere else messing up another game. So keep your eyes open so they can't even get near you.
One man can't fight against a whole army, one tiger can't survive against a whole pack of wolf. Even if you're far more superior than any other individual, look at who's on your side and if they are worth it. If it's a moron, the best case is him doing nothing constructive. Worst case is he reneges and stab your back. So if you can, kill them at first sight.
Stop thinking too much, because getting rid of junk is a valid move in this game called life.

Do you believe in God?

Lots of people say they do, but they don't even do what God is. And I am one of them. I hold firm that an existence like that is somewhere, controlling all the being in the world.

We believe in science, because science has brought forth benefits we can see with eyes. But science moves forward much faster than its applications, because it must keep itself ahead of every day life. When Newton developed the three laws, no one knew how to make use of it in real life, and we still can't use relativity and quantum mechanics to a large extent. Sure we can get help from them in astronomy, but the subject itself isn't quite meaningful to our daily lives. Just how many people care to look up into the night sky every day?

Talking about science, we have already come to the conclusion that the universe isn't deterministic as it seems. On a microscopic level, there is fluctuation, randomness dominates, and there's nothing we can really do about it. But I believe God is in charge of randomness. When energy bursts out of nothing in a vacuum, who decides the intensity and the intrinsic property of it? We don't, and we can't, but God can. When something is at a crossroad, we can only say that it either turns left, or turns right, or moves forward. God actually makes that decision.

Of course we can fathom deeper into the fundamentals of nature, but there won't be a time when everything makes sense and no leftover problems exist. If it's ever possible, human beings, or the entire universe will end. God has to keep an unknown side from us; when we see him naked, he will choose the destruction. It's just like those ancient tales: you can look into the secret of the ultimate being, but if you provoke him, you suffer. You simply do not possess the power to square off with him. If there's someone who knows all your secrets and dark side, you instinctively don't want to keep him alive. This is the incompatibility of human nature.

But human beings will eventually die out, just like there's an end to everything in this universe. Life is followed by death; it's determined from birth. Ying and Yang, negative and positive. They oppose each other, yet they complement at the same time. We can have mind-boggling paradoxes from these certainties, yet every paradox tells a true story. If it's completely wrong, the name of it becomes fallacy. It is just a matter of time before we realize the coming of doomsday. But despair not, because we should accept it, just as we accept who we are.

Science has suggested a number of ways that we can terminate as a species. One proposal is heat death, which implies that the structure of the universe will become overwhelmed by the encroaching of entropy. Everything is the same, yet everything is lifeless. Or the universe will just be too cold to support any life forms. The other is that the gravity will eventually halt the expansion of spacetime, and everything ends at a point, also known as the "big crunch." If you are to be destroyed, which path would you prefer?

For me, I rather let my life consume in a flash of glory, rather than leave the stage with a whispering sigh.

It is up to you to choose your fate. And, believe in God, for he will lead you to the path you desire.

There is an old Chinese saying: a cunning hare has three lairs.

The reason is pretty simple. When one gets discovered by a predator, it has two other hideouts. To really feed on this rabbit, you need attack all its hiding spots at the same time.

And according to the Chinese zodiac, I am a rabbit.

It couldn't be more common that someone has called me a weakling. I'm not even arguing with them, because I am one. I don't have the power or evilness to wage a war against the world, nor do I possess the god-like good will to salvage the human beings. I am just an individual, trying to make my way to a better life. Sometimes, I don't even have a definition of this "better life." All I know is keeping myself alive is quite important, since my purpose has not been fulfilled yet.

The world is one single identity, yet it appears different to every person because we don't see things in the same way. Now I've just told you it's the reincarnation of hell. In fact, hell is no different from heaven. When you think of heaven, you convince yourself that way, while the outside stays what it is. We should really be amazed at our ability of self-deception.

Again, I don't crave the destruction of the world, or anything of that sort. You may as well call that a lie, but look, if you are just another human, what you say isn't really going to do much. I just haven't found a purpose in my life yet. Curse me all you can when it comes to me.

For the following days, I am planning to tell a story. I'll leave the authenticity of it to your judgement. A few good ideas flashed through my mind, but either they're too quick to grasp, or they degenerate along the way. SO, no more stories. But this is going to be a collection of facts, thoughts, and most of all, the revealing of your heaven and hell.

Here ends the preface.

Welcome to hell.
In this place, predation is perfectly legal. You must eat, or you will be eaten by another creature, without a second thought.
In this place, time is dissolved along with space, like you can't tell a grain of salt from salty water. But time is watching you from the 4th dimension. When your time is up, you leave the stage and someone will replace you.
In this place, there exists superhuman phenomenon. You may be an ordinary being, but may as well have the power to kill the world as a whole. Everyone has a unique ability buried deeply within, and it is up to you to dig it out.
In this place, suffering does not stop for one second. I hope you are prepared for it, because troubles will accompany you for the rest of your time here.

Again, welcome to hell. Hope you enjoy your stay.

Dazzled in a world of treachery,
I stood alone on the edge of this humanity.
Daunted by a cobweb of frauds,
You drooped your head to search for the next step.

By that chance of one in a million,
we met at the crossroad of vanity and complacence.
But under your pitch-black hood,
I detected a flash of pristine beauty.

Maybe you and I were destined to pass by,
or perhaps our paths would intwine once again.
If there was only one thing I can hold true to my heart,
would you be my holy hand?

From afar, you threw away that grey coat.
And towards me you came, inch by inch.
I could not look straight into your eyes,
since you were busy staring at the ground.

Then we parted, naturally,
just like how we came together.
Without an exchange of words,
or even a slight change in our expression.

I chose not to look at your silhoutte,
because the wind was blowing sand at my back.
But, maybe it was just a hallucination,
I heard a quiet voice:

"Good day. Good bye."

A beginning, followed by an end.
Swift as it could be, there went another silent story.
Suddenly I understood,
I was just another passenger in your life.

Still I walked on,
as if nothing had really happened.
My life would be different without you,
but I guess it was meant to be.

I felt a slight flutter,
in my already stone-hard emotion.
Having lost the sight of my destination,
I sensed that terrifying helplessness again.

With the last bit of faith,
I raised my chin up one more time.
If winter had already come,
the spring wouldn't be too far away.

Maybe someday I would recall,
"O, on that day, at that crossroad, I met an angel.
She was wounded, all banged up in pure black,
but I still saw her eyes. And it was just fascinating."

I wish I had at least spoken to her,
but there was no way to travel back in time.
If we would meet again in another dimension,
please let me rewrite the story.

A person may have a wife. Besides her, he may also have a secret lover. I think he is the happiest man in the world if that secret lover is his own wife.
一个人也许有他的妻子，也或许有另外的一个情人。我认为对男人最幸福的事，莫过于他的妻子，就是他的情人。

It rained today. Well, it's still raining. Rain in the summer always means something special, doesn't it?
Unlike rains in the spring and autumn, summer rain is short but full of power. You can hear more of thunders coming down from the clouds, and the raindrops are bigger and faster. If it's hitting on your body, it might even be slightly painful. Hails might also come, although not being as frequent. When it rains, the day wraps up the hot and passinate side of summer, and becomes a cool and totally different character.
As I'm writing this, the rain has stopped. It comes and goes; you can never tell when. After weeks of the scorching sun, heaven finally decides to shed some tears of sympathy to the world, just enough to wash away the dust and revive the dried up creatures. After this, another heat wave will come, and another shower after. Cycle goes on, just like everything else. Life and death alternates, unchallenged by human will. The happiness only lasts for a while, because anxiety will follow soon. Cherish the moment, because it never comes back after it's gone/
Flowers, the embodiment of beauty flourish after the rain. Roses, the epitome of romance stand out like an arrogant princess. Red roses are said to be the messenger of love and passion. According to an old tale, however, a red rose comes from a white one, only to be dyed in the young man's blood and willingness to sacrifice himself for his loved one. Under every happy facade, there lies a saddening story, well hidden from people's attention, while reminding the conscious of the truth and the reality.
Thus, I send this white rose to you, just because I don't believe in true romance.
送你一枝白玫瑰，只因为我不懂浪漫.

Again, it's been a while.
As usual, many things occurred during this time, and I won't attempt to list them down one by one. To be honest, I just can't. Whenever I look back on these days, something strange starts to twist my brain and it becomes difficult to follow the logic that I held for all these years. So, I just leave it as it is.
Start by talking about other people. Most people covet excitement in their lives, almost as much as possible. When there's a lack of such things, they feel increasingly "bored" and go out to seek a change. I was just like years ago, at least I remember so. Today, however, if you ask me, I'll probably tell you I prefer a quiet, simple, and peaceful life. No news is good news. Changes are always unsettling. For quite a while, I was actually very fond of my preference because it appeared to be philosophical and profound. In Taoism, believers tend to pick the most balanced choice, avoiding either of the 2 extremes. It leaves room for compromise and reconciliation. Some of them even insist on a do-nothing attitude because it creates no immediate trouble. Having found support from such an ancient belief, I settled for my belief and planned to stay that way. Until one day, I read something and was told that was exactly how senile people think and deal with situations. The alarm in my head then went off; I was unnerved, because I don't wanna be old yet.
Then I sat down and tried to figure out what made my attitude change. And the answer was simple, at least to me. I was just trying to escape from the trouble already there. Maybe I ran away faster so that it couldn't reach me in time; that was probably the reason I still wasn't caught up in it. Or I have already been caught; it was just that I was too ignorant to admit it. Either way, when I was still in high school, I controlled my life with my own hands. As time went on, though, I let this command slip and now I simply let my life control itself. And when I didn't have the power to alter the choice I had to make,, the path I had to take, let's just hope the choice wasn't bad. Thus, I guess in my definition, a simple life was like a life without trouble. As I went with the flow, a feeling of powerlessness began to mount, and my life took advantage of it. It then dictated every corner of my world because my confidence was drowned. And after I wake up from my stupidity, I am already besieged with all kinds of problems. It's like sliding into a bowl. Doesn't matter which way you go, you are going to reach the bottom. And when you stop moving and wonder what's going on, you are already trapped in the bowl and it's very,very difficult to get out by yourself. The result is simple: another loser is created.
Talking about losers. I don't think I will be one, but I am one now. No one is immune to becoming a loser, just like no loser is destined to remain one for all his life. But losers have something in common. First, no one is born a loser. At one point in their lives, however, they start doubting themselves and thinking, "what if I am one?" Snap. Something inside just breaks. Maybe they don't realize it, but they begin to behave a little differently. Like a contagious disease, it gets picked up by others around them and seeps into everyone's mind. Once the surrounding people get it, it becomes a fatal blow to the losers, because the concept gets to their mind every time. They do whatever possible to deny it, but they secretly admit it themselves. Even worse, it would take a superhuman effort to rid themselves of this loserdom. Same old thing, a strong will determined the path.
But first, forget about that "peaceful life," and inject more passion, enthusiasm and energy into everything I do. Snatch back my control over life, and decide what I think is the fittest for me. It starts today, at least for me.

As it turns out, the Mavs lost to the Heat and the NBA final was over.
So what?
I'm even glad that the abhorred team got the better of their opponents; otherwise, I would have been cheering for the home team, wasting more of my time, and god knows what would happen next. But now, I woke up from this nightmare. All that commotion out there had absolutely nothing to do with me.
Therer are many dimensions in this world (for a moment, I'm not talking about physics here) and a few of them interact with each other. For instance, my own dimension interwines with my family's dimension, as we live together and influence each other's decisions. Other dimensions are too weakly connected, if there's any connection at all. The NBA final surely causes huge concerns among basketball fans, but to me, I can't change the way it's going, nor can it do anything to my life. Whether a team wins or loses, I'm happy or not, it is I myself, not the games, that modifies the life I'm living. It is different because I want it to be; the other dimension, at most, can initiate an emotional stir, and that can be easily disregarded as it is maneuverable by the way I choose to perceive things. If I tell myself Heat should win, then in spite of the fact that subconsciously I still prefer mavs, I can easily come to the rationalization that things are just going the way it should be, and understanding the logic is far more powerful than a human's capricious wish, as long as the person has enough sanity.
I used to let these unrelated dimensions guide my through many things. I might become glad, sad, furious, or confident depending on these little things. It's interesting to realize now that my world cannot be more chaotic and illogical, even though I claim to be a zealou adherent to logics and rationality. I almost feel the urge to laugh at myself, for I have imposed unreasonable and irrelevant things on my life without knowing, or admitting it.
Sort things out; it starts now.

In my restless dreams, I see that town. Silent Hill. You promised you'd take me there again someday. But you never did. Well I'm alone there now... In our 'special place'... Waiting for you. Waiting for you to come to see me. But you never do. And so I wait, wrapped in my cocoon of pain and loneliness. I know I've done a terrible thing to you. Something you'll never forgive me for. I wish I could change that, but I can't. I feel so pathetic and ugly laying here, waiting for you... Every day I stare up at the cracks in the ceiling and all I can think about is how unfair it all is... The doctor came today. he told me I could go home for a short stay. It's not that I'm getting better. It's just that this may be my last chance... I think you know what I mean... Even so, I'm glad to be coming home. I've missed you terribly. But I'm afraid James. I'm afraid you don't really want me to come home. Whenever you come see me, I can tell how hard it is on you... I don't know if you hate me or pity me... Or maybe I just disgust you... I'm sorry about that. When I first learned that I was going to die, I just didn't want to accept it. I was so angry all the time and I struck out at everyone I loved most. Especially you, James. That's why I understand if you do hate me. But I want you to know this, James. I'll always love you. Even though our life together had to end like this, I still wouldn't trade it for the world. We had some wonderful years together. Well this letter had gone on too long so I'll say goodbye. I told the nurse to give this to you after I'm gone. That means that as you read this, I'm already dead. I can't tell you to remember me, but I can't bear for you to forget me. These last few years since I became ill...I'm so sorry for what I did to you, did to us... You've given me so much and I haven't been able to return a single thing. That's why I want you to live for yourself now. Do what's best for you, James. James... You made me happy.

It's funny to realize that my screenname is ronnieinamerica, and I'm not even in the US right now.
Either way, it doesn't matter. You can afford to lose once, as long as the same obstacle doesn't trip you over again.
Another day has gone by just like a nap in the afternoon. All the activities outside with friends surely make the time interesting and worthy, but in terms of constructive work, it's a shame there's not much done. I tried to tell myself "it's summer, so chill," but that's another excuse, and excuses don't change anything. Tomorrow I'm going to try even more, and do something that everyone can see and touch and feel with their own eyes and hands.
Good night, yall.

Hey, you know what, the reality ain't that bad.
2 days ago I was pouring out my thoughts of things, and now they all look a little too overdone. I guess this is just the capricious side of a human being, and I'm sorry if I'd do it again sometimes. As it seems, my resolution is still as weak as a thin piece of paper. But despite all that, I can feel I'm starting to pick myself up. I've killed a couple of big distractions lately; even if this is no big feat to anyone else, it gives me reassurance and calms me down a bit. Now I'll just keep this up and improve myself day after day, until I become fully matured.
There's something else I'd like to write down here: I saw on internet something tempting, but imappropriate. Normally I would give way to my curiosity and darker desires, but today, that stuff just made me sick from the start. I am grateful, as I still believe in my standard of values. I won't give in to the scum in this world, just like I never did before.
I still can't place my faith in God, but I do agree with what mom said once before. Fate gives me an ordeal, and I am left with 2 choices, and two distinct outcomes. If my determination is foiled in front of these difficulties, then I'm done for the rest of my life. But if I can step up and make a stand on my feet, then the road will open up for me. I'll fight on. The future is not known, but I have this feeling, this inner inspiration that I will definitely wade through the swamps and arrive at the other end. The silence will soon be broken.
People call me too arrogant, and now I admit it. Moreover, I apologize for every act that annoyed others, and everyone that I have offended. From now on I'll never look down on a person or a thing, because I myself have enough shortcomings to be ridiculed by people. I will behave myself in every single occasion.
To all beings, may God's love be with you tonight.
Ron

I guess this is just a reminder to myself, but I deleted all the previous posts, from the day I had it to now. To be honest, I did hesitate for a while, but in the end, that much of brooding will get me nowhere, so I just went ahead and got rid of all of them. It is almost painful to read them now and recall the happy times before. The truth is a lot things has happened ever since, and everything is just very different from the way it used to be, and that is simply hard to accept.
It's ironic I always thought of myself as a happy person, especially after I went to college. In fact I still insist that I was like that, until I came back home for the vacation. The first day I got back home, I made a promise never to get mad at home, a feat that I achieved in the past year. I used to be short-tempered in many occasions, but at school I never even yelled at someone even when I'm madly furious. I guess I can still be proud to keep the promise, but every moment, I feel more urge inside to break the nonsense and revert to my former self. And if that happens, I don't know how devastated everyone will be, including myself.
When I took the leave, disappointment naturally mounted in everyone's mind. Mom got through because she relied on religion, the God in whom she placed her faith and whole being. I don't know about dad, but he's the toughest guy I know. Everyone else was more or less the same, but I could care less about them because they didn't even understand the entire situation. Actually, no one knew, except myself, since it was so ridiculous that even I felt awkward just thinking and admitting it. I guess you can call me cowardly or heartless, and I won't deny a bit of that.
In any case, now that I was back home, supposedly poised to rehabilitate and get back on form. Thus, I was more upset than ever to find out that I had to deal with more problems. It was frustrating to see how the family tried to help me in their own way, only to make me feel worse than ever and begin to lose the grip of myself, once again. I was well aware of their well-meaning, but when it turned into something bugging you day and night, it was something diffcult for me to appreciate. Still, I don't intend to blame on anyone, anything, because first of all, I shall never make excuses and complaints as a man, and second, it was my fault to begin with.
Sure I still have tons of problems, but everybody else does too. I know all along that the biggest obstacle comes from within myself, but I often lose the battle against this inner monster. I still believe there must be a way to somehow control my every act, as those great dudes are capable of. I need to go out there and present myself, or there shall be no progress whatsoever.
Understanding oneself can be unnerving. It is even more scary to realize that I can look real happy on the surface, but deep down, depression has been lurking all these years. I try everything to make myself forget about it, and I was afraid of it from the start. From the day I came to this continent, I never killed it, and now it had already surfaced and looking to take over. I wonder how long I can last while fighting it off and maintaining sanity.
I heard people saying it is always the best thing that you can find someone to open up yourself, and I don't have such a person. Family has always been caring, but there are certain things that I just do not wish to talk about. I had such friends once before, but no more. I'm sure when I go to the couselors next month, I won't tell them jack either. To put it simply, I been searching for this person all along, only to find her invisible and intangible. As I start to lose my faith, it seems she's going farther away. God is such a being, but there must be another, a person, whom I can touch, speak to, and understand.
I think this much will do for today. Of course, it's impossible to put down all that's going through my mind right now, but I'll have tomorrow, and the day after that, to keep this going, if I'm sane and alive. To all the things in the world, good night and let Lord's love be with you all.
Ron