I think maybe I've been complaining too much about the weather now. Well, I never wanted to think of myself as a whiner, butt occasionally, I have to admit that I'm bothered by too many trivial things.
I don't control things like weather, and really, nothing about it shouldn't concern me too much. So what if I just had a cloudy morning, a warm afternoon, and perhaps a raining night later on? Life stays the same, and I'll do whatever that has to be done. There's nothing good or bad about rain and cloud; what really tips off this neutrality is my own interpretation. I had wished that it would remain this warm until winter break so that you don't have to suffer from the cold snowing days. But even if the whole world is covered with ice, we'll just deal with it in some other way, and I'll just figure out how to keep you warm. Hope you still remember that some time ago, I told you that if your sky is raining, I'll just draw up a sun and put it up, so you can have the warm light all day long.
The world changes every moment, and so does everyone who lives in it. There are something however, that remains the same no matter how much time it passes. Between you and me, you already know my words, and they do not need to be repeated. You worry about me changing into a different person years from now on, and I do not blame you. But just remember, it's always most important to me that you are happy, not just now, or some time in the future, but every moment in your life. Five months passed and I know it won't be easy, but I never forgot about it, and will always do my best. I can do this all for a simple reason, and you know what it is. If what you want is me being unchanging about everything of you, then I will be the same person all along.
Clouds float over again, sparkling under the setting sun. It sure looks like rainy tonight. Even so, it's a wonderful view, and I hope you are right here with me to enjoy this. It feels like the sun is shining through the dark clouds, no matter how thick they are. I think it'll be the same for us; we can go through all the troubles to reach where we want to be, as long as we have faith in each other like we do now.
When I think of the old days, it can get a bit sentimental, because I clearly remember how happy and carefree we were. But then we start to face the reality, and life can't stay simple as it was. Unhappy moments took place, and we were disappointed, or even mad at each other from time to time. I always thought that I could care for you better, yet why did I make you cry?
If I'm to change, then let me always change for the better. If I can, I'd create a paradise just for you. If I need to treasure you more, then I'll pray to God and let Him make me better. It's one of the best wonders to have you in my life, and my pledge to you will remain for the rest of our days on earth.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
Written before exam
Okay. This was a night of sleeplessness. I am a bit deprived of rest now, and maybe I'll have to make up for it later. I thought about writing this down in a letter, but I found no good paper around me, plus the time is tight, so bear with a blog entry, please.
I don't like arguing before tests, because that could be the biggest distraction for any important events. But as it turned out, I'm still helpless when my temper flared up, and really can't blame this on anyone but myself. Even as I spilled out my anger at you, the other side of my reasoning told me to stop, for getting mad isn't going to help anything. But I just couldn't help myself, and all I did was desperately watching myself hurting your feelings too. But let's leave it at that shall we? I'll become a better man, so that we can have as little argument as possible. And because of me, you had a bad night. I wonder why I often hurt people who I care about the most, but I also know the more I care, the more mistakes I'll make. And thank you for putting up with me all this time.
I have 15 mins left before I depart for the test. preparation is done and my head is so stuffed with information. I guess I'd throw up if I look at those formulaes any longer. So I can only think of you, and send you a silent prayer, for that's about the only thing that will give me a bit of comfort and assurance. Even though you're still bothered by it in the morning, even though you sound a bit distant to me when we talked, that's okay. Time will flow and it will go away, just like we can get over it soon. Like we did in the past. I don't know if you noticed, but I told you no matter what happened between us, I'd love you no less than I did before, and most likely, a bit more everyday. So whatever problems they are, I'm not scared. I know you'd be right beside me when I go through it all, and you are the one person that I can trust deeply, right?
I don't want to conclude here, but there's little time allowed. I will leave very soon, and tackle this last mission before the weekend. It's a pity that we couldn't talk like before this morning, but there will be much more ahead, and even if we're still at the bottom of the valley, we can climb up little by little, until we get back to the top, where true happiness resides.
I know you don't like dreams, but let me still pray for you, that you can have a wonderful, sweet friday morning. I can hug you in 26 days, but even when you're over there, I will still embrace you in your sleep, keeping you safe and warm. I'm sure when you wake up, you'l be as lovely as the morning sunshine, like you always are. Bless you, baby.
I don't like arguing before tests, because that could be the biggest distraction for any important events. But as it turned out, I'm still helpless when my temper flared up, and really can't blame this on anyone but myself. Even as I spilled out my anger at you, the other side of my reasoning told me to stop, for getting mad isn't going to help anything. But I just couldn't help myself, and all I did was desperately watching myself hurting your feelings too. But let's leave it at that shall we? I'll become a better man, so that we can have as little argument as possible. And because of me, you had a bad night. I wonder why I often hurt people who I care about the most, but I also know the more I care, the more mistakes I'll make. And thank you for putting up with me all this time.
I have 15 mins left before I depart for the test. preparation is done and my head is so stuffed with information. I guess I'd throw up if I look at those formulaes any longer. So I can only think of you, and send you a silent prayer, for that's about the only thing that will give me a bit of comfort and assurance. Even though you're still bothered by it in the morning, even though you sound a bit distant to me when we talked, that's okay. Time will flow and it will go away, just like we can get over it soon. Like we did in the past. I don't know if you noticed, but I told you no matter what happened between us, I'd love you no less than I did before, and most likely, a bit more everyday. So whatever problems they are, I'm not scared. I know you'd be right beside me when I go through it all, and you are the one person that I can trust deeply, right?
I don't want to conclude here, but there's little time allowed. I will leave very soon, and tackle this last mission before the weekend. It's a pity that we couldn't talk like before this morning, but there will be much more ahead, and even if we're still at the bottom of the valley, we can climb up little by little, until we get back to the top, where true happiness resides.
I know you don't like dreams, but let me still pray for you, that you can have a wonderful, sweet friday morning. I can hug you in 26 days, but even when you're over there, I will still embrace you in your sleep, keeping you safe and warm. I'm sure when you wake up, you'l be as lovely as the morning sunshine, like you always are. Bless you, baby.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
endless search
Chihiro. To search for a thousand times. Never give up or quit until she finds what he seeks.
If one day, we are suddenly left alone in a parallel world, and it is one that's too different from our own. Then what will you do?
I know I'll get scared, maybe for a moment. Feeling lost too, perhaps. But I'll survive, one way or another, because being alone isn't an unfamiliar feeling to me. Sometimes I'll get sad, other times I'll despair, even start to lost faith, but that's only temporary. I won't lie down on the floor forever; I'll stand up and move on.
And I'll search for you.
Because I know you're in the same world with me, because I need to find what's important to me. You're probably not the only one, but certainly irreplaceable. Even if you are lost, set apart from where I am, even if you're thousands of miles apart. I'll look for you.
The world outside is dangerous. It may just be a place as strange as somewhere we've never been before. We might need to walk every step with caution, so that we will hold on together and not be separated. There will be times when I am not by your side, but every time before I leave, I will say to you loud and clear, that I will come back in no time. If you are lost by yourself and get scared in the middle of the night, I will come and find you, then take you to a safe shelter. I will come to you, no matter how many times it takes, how far I need to go.
It's a word of pledge, it's a thought to remember. Everything that's been promised, will arrive in the destined time. The world changes as we go on, our lives may become easier or harder, only those will not change, or be taken away.
And we are connected by heart, and part of me is always with you. So when you fall into difficult times, look inside, and you'll find me there, and that is just as alive as the real person. That's why every time, I can find my way back to you, and bring you hope and happiness.
If one day, we are suddenly left alone in a parallel world, and it is one that's too different from our own. Then what will you do?
I know I'll get scared, maybe for a moment. Feeling lost too, perhaps. But I'll survive, one way or another, because being alone isn't an unfamiliar feeling to me. Sometimes I'll get sad, other times I'll despair, even start to lost faith, but that's only temporary. I won't lie down on the floor forever; I'll stand up and move on.
And I'll search for you.
Because I know you're in the same world with me, because I need to find what's important to me. You're probably not the only one, but certainly irreplaceable. Even if you are lost, set apart from where I am, even if you're thousands of miles apart. I'll look for you.
The world outside is dangerous. It may just be a place as strange as somewhere we've never been before. We might need to walk every step with caution, so that we will hold on together and not be separated. There will be times when I am not by your side, but every time before I leave, I will say to you loud and clear, that I will come back in no time. If you are lost by yourself and get scared in the middle of the night, I will come and find you, then take you to a safe shelter. I will come to you, no matter how many times it takes, how far I need to go.
It's a word of pledge, it's a thought to remember. Everything that's been promised, will arrive in the destined time. The world changes as we go on, our lives may become easier or harder, only those will not change, or be taken away.
And we are connected by heart, and part of me is always with you. So when you fall into difficult times, look inside, and you'll find me there, and that is just as alive as the real person. That's why every time, I can find my way back to you, and bring you hope and happiness.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
changing season
A cloud floated over the sky, and then it started raining. Big water drops came down hard, hitting on the window, as if it was going to crack it open. I saw a flash of light outside, without any warning, and followed by the deep, grunting sound from heaven.
Amidst of all this lightening and thundering, I know, even the most turbulent time will be gone soon, and peace will return once again. This cloud in the sky can only linger for a little while, and when it goes to other places, everything will be cleared up again, and sunshine will come back to me.
I remember a month ago, I was thinking to myself that this summer might be over after a week of rain, day after day. But I guess the weather is unforgiving as ever; just as you think something is coming, other stuff gets in the way. The temperature climbed up as quickly as it once fell, and now I get this seemingly summer-like thunderstorm. I once expected snow at the end of the month, and seems like I can't say anything now. Maybe it'll be here as soon as that, or indefinitely late. There was a year when this place was warmer than home in January, but still snowed heavily in April. This is New York.
But one thing for certain, this is the time for season's alternation. There's no concept of autumn, and it's the transition between summer and winter. During this time of change, many things can happen, and many people can't adjust to the sudden change, then much efforts fall short of expectation. When life doesn't get smooth as we want it to be, then maybe it's just showing signs of difference. It may be difficult to adapt, but eventually something is going to turn out right. I can't tell you exactly what, but I never had doubt about that. If you can't see the road ahead in the fog, then just keep walking ahead for a bit, and you'll know where you are and where you come from.
After a month or so, it will be our first winter together. You said you like summer, but I have no reason to dislike winter. If you hate the cold, then I'll make our lives fun enough to let you forget about that. Whether it's summer or winter, it's up to you and me how we want to live. And what I said to you, is to give you sweet memories every day of the year.
Amidst of all this lightening and thundering, I know, even the most turbulent time will be gone soon, and peace will return once again. This cloud in the sky can only linger for a little while, and when it goes to other places, everything will be cleared up again, and sunshine will come back to me.
I remember a month ago, I was thinking to myself that this summer might be over after a week of rain, day after day. But I guess the weather is unforgiving as ever; just as you think something is coming, other stuff gets in the way. The temperature climbed up as quickly as it once fell, and now I get this seemingly summer-like thunderstorm. I once expected snow at the end of the month, and seems like I can't say anything now. Maybe it'll be here as soon as that, or indefinitely late. There was a year when this place was warmer than home in January, but still snowed heavily in April. This is New York.
But one thing for certain, this is the time for season's alternation. There's no concept of autumn, and it's the transition between summer and winter. During this time of change, many things can happen, and many people can't adjust to the sudden change, then much efforts fall short of expectation. When life doesn't get smooth as we want it to be, then maybe it's just showing signs of difference. It may be difficult to adapt, but eventually something is going to turn out right. I can't tell you exactly what, but I never had doubt about that. If you can't see the road ahead in the fog, then just keep walking ahead for a bit, and you'll know where you are and where you come from.
After a month or so, it will be our first winter together. You said you like summer, but I have no reason to dislike winter. If you hate the cold, then I'll make our lives fun enough to let you forget about that. Whether it's summer or winter, it's up to you and me how we want to live. And what I said to you, is to give you sweet memories every day of the year.
Another Midnight
I guess this is the life I have to live after all. Not until it's pitch dark outside, I can't sit down and do some serious thought gathering.
Out in the living room, a bottle of alcohol lies on the table, the smell of the liquor slips into the room, along with noises, distant and irrelevant. This is a world of nothing but solitude.
And I hate walking in the dark. Lord tells me if I follow him closely, then I won't be afraid to walk through "the valley of death," but the direction seems a bit difficult to grasp. It must be that I need to do a whole lot more, to keep up with what it takes to be faithful.
Every night before sleeping, I think of the plans for the next day. Almost every day after that, some of the plan, or maybe all of it, will not come true. The cycle continues, and although plans are still being made, I'm losing heart in the reason of planning itself.
But there's always consolation. There is light, shining through the cluster of surrounding blackness, to tell me that the destination still remains the same. It guides me to where the place is full of brightness. And it stings my senses, to warn me that I'm still walking in dark. I made a promise to get there one day, and that alone gives me something to long for. And I guess for this reason, i can accept whatever that lies ahead of me, without feeling the slightest trace of regret for myself. If I can bring one more person to light, then it's worth all the time and efforts, even if there will be hopelessness, irreconciliation, and moments of despair. As long as I don't forget why I'm doing this, my body and soul will be at peace.
There must be a better way to live, and I won't stop looking until I find it. There must be something I can do to make everything easier for us, and I won't give up unless we're completely happy with ourselves. It'll probably take a lifetime, and I don't mind trying hard for that long. If I can have one selfish request before the Lord, that would be He give you the best life you can ever have. And without doubt, I know He is already proving his words to us. When night turns into day, when darkness is turned into bright sunlight, I'll wait for you to come, so that I can fulfill every promise that we have made.
Out in the living room, a bottle of alcohol lies on the table, the smell of the liquor slips into the room, along with noises, distant and irrelevant. This is a world of nothing but solitude.
And I hate walking in the dark. Lord tells me if I follow him closely, then I won't be afraid to walk through "the valley of death," but the direction seems a bit difficult to grasp. It must be that I need to do a whole lot more, to keep up with what it takes to be faithful.
Every night before sleeping, I think of the plans for the next day. Almost every day after that, some of the plan, or maybe all of it, will not come true. The cycle continues, and although plans are still being made, I'm losing heart in the reason of planning itself.
But there's always consolation. There is light, shining through the cluster of surrounding blackness, to tell me that the destination still remains the same. It guides me to where the place is full of brightness. And it stings my senses, to warn me that I'm still walking in dark. I made a promise to get there one day, and that alone gives me something to long for. And I guess for this reason, i can accept whatever that lies ahead of me, without feeling the slightest trace of regret for myself. If I can bring one more person to light, then it's worth all the time and efforts, even if there will be hopelessness, irreconciliation, and moments of despair. As long as I don't forget why I'm doing this, my body and soul will be at peace.
There must be a better way to live, and I won't stop looking until I find it. There must be something I can do to make everything easier for us, and I won't give up unless we're completely happy with ourselves. It'll probably take a lifetime, and I don't mind trying hard for that long. If I can have one selfish request before the Lord, that would be He give you the best life you can ever have. And without doubt, I know He is already proving his words to us. When night turns into day, when darkness is turned into bright sunlight, I'll wait for you to come, so that I can fulfill every promise that we have made.
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