a different perspective

I've never written anything this late at night/ early in the morning. Of course, my brain keeps telling me to go to sleep, and I find myself having to listen to music to make my eyes stay open. Well, they say that when you're in a dreamy state, a different perspective, point of view appears in front of you, and all of a sudden, the universe changes its look.
But even so, I can't go on for a long time, as there's only 15 minutes till my body has to move again, from here onto the plane. Thinking back of what I saw and heard tonight, there are just too many things I don't comprehend, but the world goes on as it always does. Whether I go to sleep or stay awake, or get trapped somewhere in between, I know I'm going home, maybe not as a victorious soldier, but still longing for where I belong. There're countless things that don't go as we wish, and we still get to live with that, because this world doesn't exist for the purpose of perfection. I may want to fix a part of it, but it only comes at the cost of breaking another part. Nonetheless, from what we can see and feel, there's always a possibility, a hope of living in a better way. That's why I kept telling you a similar thing, because it doesn't matter things are good or bad between us, there's always room to have more fun and less pain. If it's a quest to find a better solution, then it will probably last for a life time.
I get scared of this world sometimes, because ordinary stuff can become so peculiar and strange that it's almost frightening. I try to reason everything with logic, but it fails too many times to be convincing anymore. I can't explain how it is, but reasons can't overcome instinct, even though innate reflex can be misleading and result in catastrophic situations. But before anything is sorted clear, let me get on the flight, and head back to where you are. I know eventually I will take you with me, but for now, let me have a shelter, give me some time to reflect, and look ahead once more.
Good night to you, and to whoever is weary and longing for a home to return.

lonely prayer for the loveliest

After such a long time, this place starts to feel a bit unfamiliar now. I've been lazy havn't I.
Even at this hour, I can't think of much to say, even though so much is racing through my mind right now. It's like the mixed emotions in the afternoon, there's so much going on I could barely hold it in, but can't sort it out in words. So all I did was just holding you in me tight, wordlessly, yet unwilling to let go.
I guess I was stupid. There are a thousand things I could have done to make you happier, yet I did none of them. After selfishly thinking of only myself for 18 days, I finally woke up to find there wasn't much time left to give you a time to remember. I don't understand why or how I could do one of the person i care the most, yet I did it myself. The one I love the most.
I don't have much time now, because there are things to finish tomorrow. I can only say that the next time seeing you, I'll hold you and tell you how much I love you. I'll do everything to show I love you. I'll right all the wrongs and leave nothing but times to cherish.
I had thought I treasured you. Only when you are leaving, I found out I didn't do enough of that. When you're not by my side, when I'm looking into the dark night alone, your absence leaves my emotions in pieces. The room, once filled with your flavor, suddenly becomes devoid of your scent. After taking a nap, I customarily reached out, only to find you were not there anymore. I asked myself again and again why I couldn't be with you all the time, and the only answer I got, is this is still a test to be completed. I can see when this is going to end, but how I still need enough patience to get there. And I will get there, together with you.
Let me say nothing more, because it's not an option for me to have a breakdown, at least not in the library. But all the best, and let my thoughts accompany all the way, all the time, even though it's just a short separation, even though the good days are still to come. I have made my decision, and it's nothing but a wonder to have you in my life. Thank you baby, I will continue to love you with all I have.

64 hours away

In another 64 hours, the second round of exams and mind tortures will begin. And maybe 2 weeks after that, it may finally come to an end. The good part of the story is, when I get to the finishing line, there's a prize awaiting, and we both know what it is.
For some reasons, last night's sleep didn't go smoothly. Early in the morning, I was already awake, even though my brain still couldn't function at max capacity. Tried to read a few pages of the chapter, and seemingly understood a little bit. But as it became brighter outside, my eyes got more sleepy than my mind. Still, thanks to a roommate, I was escorted to school quite safely, and even better, there's a room open in the library.
I know it was quite possible for me to fall unconscious at any given moment, and if that happens indeed, I'd miss the morning call, and of course I'm not the one to be awaken. No matter what, I have to hold onto the current state until the promised time. A sleepy and uninterested conversation isn't what I expected, but if it was so, then so be it.
Mission completed, I climbed upstairs to settle down finally and once again get back to work. Instead, drowsiness finally took over and my afternoon was spent with my face on the desk. It's not quite the way I wanted to prepare for the exam, but I can't reverse time, and have to leave the work for tonight.
So here I am, 64 hours away from the impending course of challenge, and trying to get everything together before it's too late. I don't want to seek for an alternative, there will be none given anyway. My chest feels heavy these days for some reasons, and for now I won't do anything about it because I don't know the cause or the solution. Maybe i've thrown away a bit too much, and let's keep the rest for the important stuff. Perhaps in these 10 days, I'll just keep quiet, and reflect on what I've done and what needs to be done.
I don't want to complain that I'm tired again, but denying the truth isn't necessary. After all, we have to face the same problem, toil over the same land, and still find a way to survive the big and small rocks on the road. If you find me giving you not as much as before, don't worry, let me know and it will be the same as before, soon.
So if there's no more conversation for a while, let me wish you a goodnight now. You're still much of a part in my life, and to the best of my ability, I want you to be content and happy. A heartwarming conversation in two days is worth more than two bland ones in a day, even if it means one and a half days of silent loneliness.

sunny afternoon, rainy night

I think maybe I've been complaining too much about the weather now. Well, I never wanted to think of myself as a whiner, butt occasionally, I have to admit that I'm bothered by too many trivial things.
I don't control things like weather, and really, nothing about it shouldn't concern me too much. So what if I just had a cloudy morning, a warm afternoon, and perhaps a raining night later on? Life stays the same, and I'll do whatever that has to be done. There's nothing good or bad about rain and cloud; what really tips off this neutrality is my own interpretation. I had wished that it would remain this warm until winter break so that you don't have to suffer from the cold snowing days. But even if the whole world is covered with ice, we'll just deal with it in some other way, and I'll just figure out how to keep you warm. Hope you still remember that some time ago, I told you that if your sky is raining, I'll just draw up a sun and put it up, so you can have the warm light all day long.
The world changes every moment, and so does everyone who lives in it. There are something however, that remains the same no matter how much time it passes. Between you and me, you already know my words, and they do not need to be repeated. You worry about me changing into a different person years from now on, and I do not blame you. But just remember, it's always most important to me that you are happy, not just now, or some time in the future, but every moment in your life. Five months passed and I know it won't be easy, but I never forgot about it, and will always do my best. I can do this all for a simple reason, and you know what it is. If what you want is me being unchanging about everything of you, then I will be the same person all along.
Clouds float over again, sparkling under the setting sun. It sure looks like rainy tonight. Even so, it's a wonderful view, and I hope you are right here with me to enjoy this. It feels like the sun is shining through the dark clouds, no matter how thick they are. I think it'll be the same for us; we can go through all the troubles to reach where we want to be, as long as we have faith in each other like we do now.
When I think of the old days, it can get a bit sentimental, because I clearly remember how happy and carefree we were. But then we start to face the reality, and life can't stay simple as it was. Unhappy moments took place, and we were disappointed, or even mad at each other from time to time. I always thought that I could care for you better, yet why did I make you cry?
If I'm to change, then let me always change for the better. If I can, I'd create a paradise just for you. If I need to treasure you more, then I'll pray to God and let Him make me better. It's one of the best wonders to have you in my life, and my pledge to you will remain for the rest of our days on earth.

Written before exam

Okay. This was a night of sleeplessness. I am a bit deprived of rest now, and maybe I'll have to make up for it later. I thought about writing this down in a letter, but I found no good paper around me, plus the time is tight, so bear with a blog entry, please.
I don't like arguing before tests, because that could be the biggest distraction for any important events. But as it turned out, I'm still helpless when my temper flared up, and really can't blame this on anyone but myself. Even as I spilled out my anger at you, the other side of my reasoning told me to stop, for getting mad isn't going to help anything. But I just couldn't help myself, and all I did was desperately watching myself hurting your feelings too. But let's leave it at that shall we? I'll become a better man, so that we can have as little argument as possible. And because of me, you had a bad night. I wonder why I often hurt people who I care about the most, but I also know the more I care, the more mistakes I'll make. And thank you for putting up with me all this time.
I have 15 mins left before I depart for the test. preparation is done and my head is so stuffed with information. I guess I'd throw up if I look at those formulaes any longer. So I can only think of you, and send you a silent prayer, for that's about the only thing that will give me a bit of comfort and assurance. Even though you're still bothered by it in the morning, even though you sound a bit distant to me when we talked, that's okay. Time will flow and it will go away, just like we can get over it soon. Like we did in the past. I don't know if you noticed, but I told you no matter what happened between us, I'd love you no less than I did before, and most likely, a bit more everyday. So whatever problems they are, I'm not scared. I know you'd be right beside me when I go through it all, and you are the one person that I can trust deeply, right?
I don't want to conclude here, but there's little time allowed. I will leave very soon, and tackle this last mission before the weekend. It's a pity that we couldn't talk like before this morning, but there will be much more ahead, and even if we're still at the bottom of the valley, we can climb up little by little, until we get back to the top, where true happiness resides.
I know you don't like dreams, but let me still pray for you, that you can have a wonderful, sweet friday morning. I can hug you in 26 days, but even when you're over there, I will still embrace you in your sleep, keeping you safe and warm. I'm sure when you wake up, you'l be as lovely as the morning sunshine, like you always are. Bless you, baby.

endless search

Chihiro. To search for a thousand times. Never give up or quit until she finds what he seeks.
If one day, we are suddenly left alone in a parallel world, and it is one that's too different from our own. Then what will you do?
I know I'll get scared, maybe for a moment. Feeling lost too, perhaps. But I'll survive, one way or another, because being alone isn't an unfamiliar feeling to me. Sometimes I'll get sad, other times I'll despair, even start to lost faith, but that's only temporary. I won't lie down on the floor forever; I'll stand up and move on.
And I'll search for you.
Because I know you're in the same world with me, because I need to find what's important to me. You're probably not the only one, but certainly irreplaceable. Even if you are lost, set apart from where I am, even if you're thousands of miles apart. I'll look for you.
The world outside is dangerous. It may just be a place as strange as somewhere we've never been before. We might need to walk every step with caution, so that we will hold on together and not be separated. There will be times when I am not by your side, but every time before I leave, I will say to you loud and clear, that I will come back in no time. If you are lost by yourself and get scared in the middle of the night, I will come and find you, then take you to a safe shelter. I will come to you, no matter how many times it takes, how far I need to go.
It's a word of pledge, it's a thought to remember. Everything that's been promised, will arrive in the destined time. The world changes as we go on, our lives may become easier or harder, only those will not change, or be taken away.
And we are connected by heart, and part of me is always with you. So when you fall into difficult times, look inside, and you'll find me there, and that is just as alive as the real person. That's why every time, I can find my way back to you, and bring you hope and happiness.

changing season

A cloud floated over the sky, and then it started raining. Big water drops came down hard, hitting on the window, as if it was going to crack it open. I saw a flash of light outside, without any warning, and followed by the deep, grunting sound from heaven.
Amidst of all this lightening and thundering, I know, even the most turbulent time will be gone soon, and peace will return once again. This cloud in the sky can only linger for a little while, and when it goes to other places, everything will be cleared up again, and sunshine will come back to me.
I remember a month ago, I was thinking to myself that this summer might be over after a week of rain, day after day. But I guess the weather is unforgiving as ever; just as you think something is coming, other stuff gets in the way. The temperature climbed up as quickly as it once fell, and now I get this seemingly summer-like thunderstorm. I once expected snow at the end of the month, and seems like I can't say anything now. Maybe it'll be here as soon as that, or indefinitely late. There was a year when this place was warmer than home in January, but still snowed heavily in April. This is New York.
But one thing for certain, this is the time for season's alternation. There's no concept of autumn, and it's the transition between summer and winter. During this time of change, many things can happen, and many people can't adjust to the sudden change, then much efforts fall short of expectation. When life doesn't get smooth as we want it to be, then maybe it's just showing signs of difference. It may be difficult to adapt, but eventually something is going to turn out right. I can't tell you exactly what, but I never had doubt about that. If you can't see the road ahead in the fog, then just keep walking ahead for a bit, and you'll know where you are and where you come from.
After a month or so, it will be our first winter together. You said you like summer, but I have no reason to dislike winter. If you hate the cold, then I'll make our lives fun enough to let you forget about that. Whether it's summer or winter, it's up to you and me how we want to live. And what I said to you, is to give you sweet memories every day of the year.

Another Midnight

I guess this is the life I have to live after all. Not until it's pitch dark outside, I can't sit down and do some serious thought gathering.
Out in the living room, a bottle of alcohol lies on the table, the smell of the liquor slips into the room, along with noises, distant and irrelevant. This is a world of nothing but solitude.
And I hate walking in the dark. Lord tells me if I follow him closely, then I won't be afraid to walk through "the valley of death," but the direction seems a bit difficult to grasp. It must be that I need to do a whole lot more, to keep up with what it takes to be faithful.
Every night before sleeping, I think of the plans for the next day. Almost every day after that, some of the plan, or maybe all of it, will not come true. The cycle continues, and although plans are still being made, I'm losing heart in the reason of planning itself.
But there's always consolation. There is light, shining through the cluster of surrounding blackness, to tell me that the destination still remains the same. It guides me to where the place is full of brightness. And it stings my senses, to warn me that I'm still walking in dark. I made a promise to get there one day, and that alone gives me something to long for. And I guess for this reason, i can accept whatever that lies ahead of me, without feeling the slightest trace of regret for myself. If I can bring one more person to light, then it's worth all the time and efforts, even if there will be hopelessness, irreconciliation, and moments of despair. As long as I don't forget why I'm doing this, my body and soul will be at peace.
There must be a better way to live, and I won't stop looking until I find it. There must be something I can do to make everything easier for us, and I won't give up unless we're completely happy with ourselves. It'll probably take a lifetime, and I don't mind trying hard for that long. If I can have one selfish request before the Lord, that would be He give you the best life you can ever have. And without doubt, I know He is already proving his words to us. When night turns into day, when darkness is turned into bright sunlight, I'll wait for you to come, so that I can fulfill every promise that we have made.

3am meditation

I was certain that I could spend a night like this all by myself. After all, I've done that all these days, haven't I? Being alone is part of the process of growing up, and once I was quite proud of it. It felt like I could finally stood up on my own. It was like I'm an independent person.
And why am I staring at the ceiling right now and my chest is stuffed with something heavy? I thought this was gonna be no big deal. Because I didn't get how much I wanted for myself? Maybe I did think so. O well, that's not a logical argument. There's no law in this world stating that everything must be returned in the same way as it is given out, but one way or another, everyone's even. I guess Lord has already given so much and didn't demand a repay of favor, so I should not ask either. I had anticipated these moments were possible, and when they come, it should come as no surprise.
perhaps I've become selfish, that I start asking what's difficult to be given to me. If that's the case, I shall alert myself and stop making troublesome demands. I admit there's a sense of unfairness, albeit temporary, it still disturbs my emotions and burdens my thoughts. But I do thank Lord for making me go through times like this, and strengthening me along the way. If this is a method of becoming a better vessel, then it must be the correct way to go.
I asked you to be there for me when I'm at my worst. Now it's okay if you are not. I guess genuine care and love cannot be forced upon, but willingly given. And also, if I can hold onto my belief and my hopes past the situation I'm confronting right now, then I should be better at appreciating the good times in my life. An easy life is made to look like so by all the difficulty from before. I wonder if I can fully understand that one day.
But I have to find something to depend on. I'm not myself from the old days anymore. It starts to feel frightening to walk alone in the dark, and if I'm by no one's side, I'm not sure if there will be an exit at the end. But I will hang on, to my ultimate belief, and it gives me the best assurance I can ever ask for. Just for this reason alone, I will cherish everything that He has given me in my life, including the most precious one, and you should know what this present is.
It's okay to have a night like this, and it's even okay to have a whole year of nights like this. He's always right beside me for everything I do, never failing to be absent whenever I'm in need. And I'm glad that there's one more person who, even though can't stand by my side from time to time, still have faith and hope in me. I said i would stand straight so that you can hold on to me, and this does not mean that you have to hold me up, for it defeats the purpose. If it's part of my job, then I will work on it alone, because I still have my own responsibility.
Thank you Lord, for staying with me all this time, and I'm set to live according to your command. There's also something for me to treasure, and there's no excuse for me, but only to take care of you the best. That's why I'd say I love you the best, but I do want to know how to love you better. It's fine if you don't understand these words as of now; i just believe that one day, they'll become crystal clear to you. Thank you for putting your trust in me all along.

Goodbye summer

By the time the rain has been coming down for the third day, I know the summer of this year really came to an end. After this, the temperature will drop quite a bit, and never climb back up again. Summer, I say goodbye to you.
I guess there are seasons in our lives too. You said the honeymoon season was already in the past, and now, we had no choice but to deal with reality once again. You're starting to feel fatigue, and I also understand that. There are many things to face, one after another, and trouble just seems endless. Are we going through our winter time then? If we are, then how long will it take for us to go into summer again?
There are good times in life, as well as bad ones. No one can have the same kind of lifestyle throughout his years, and I certainly don't expect that myself. We were passionate during the summer, had countless good times together, but now we are different. Still, I don't want the old time to just become memory, something we can't have again in our lives. That's why I'm trying so desperately for us to go through the days filled with loneliness and disappointment, even if I'm not doing it the right way, even if we still can't overcome all the hardships. My words often get distorted when they come out of my heart, but I really hope you remember the reason of my almost excessive care. When I'm not around, I feel like I need to make sure you are okay on your own. Now I have told you I will no longer tell you what to do and leave the responsibility to yourself. I will be worried from time to time, but I've decided that it will make our lives easier, and from now on, what comes out of my mouth will not hurt you anymore. When the two of us are apart, what you need most isn't constant criticism, but love and care. And I'll always remember that. It's really my hope that it will take us back to the old days, when you were happy to talk to me and I'm delight to hear your voice.
So as Í try to find my way out of this rainy season, I will send you a silent prayer everyday, and comfort you every time you need consolation. I'll be good, and when the summer comes again, baby, I'll make sure, that you will smile with joy, like we alway did in the past. Baby I'm sorry that right now I can't be with you on your side, but I still believe we're connected by heart. I love you, and I believe I can do it in a way that you like the best. I said I will not let you be disappointed, and I really mean every word that I've told you. I'll work hard, to make both our lives better than those sweet days from the past. Our hope, our promises, I remember every one of them. You are my most precious gift, and I will cherish you forever. This cold weather has lasted long enough, and I'll find the missing sun, then put it back in our sky, and warm you from the bottom of your heart. I can't, and will not stop loving you.

end of a season

If this is not the right way to go, then we'll just change to a new direction and keep going down the path. Eventually, there must be a way to get to where we want to be. I believed that. I still do.
But that doesn't mean we should just forget about now and throw all the hopes to tomorrow.
I make mistakes. Serious ones. When I'm doing something unnecessary, I don't realize it until time is wasted and nothing has been done. Then I just feel stupid. Still, it's okay to have times like this once in a while, because no one can spend his time 100% on useful things, and I can forgive myself for that. After all, I know how imperfect I have become.
But these days were simply too exhausting to continue. There must be a reason to all this confusion, which just kept wearing me down. There's a week left. Supposed to be a week to be remembered, for all those days to come, I found myself hanging on for every minute passed. Thoughts and body are at war, and the body is too shaken down to listen to the thoughts. THen when I ask myself, "where has all my time gone to?" I just can't explain how I spend every second just to over-operate my own body. I'm not arguing how it happened and who's responsible, but there's one thing clear: this is not the right direction.
It's okay to leave me alone when I'm tired and in the worst shape. After all, taking care of myself is my own job and no one else should be held responsible for it. I've gone all the way through alone and it's not a problem to keep going that way. But I ask you to take up the responsibility of your own life. I will share part of the load when I'm around, but there will be times when I'm not. Sort things out and set the priority for them. And to do a bit extra, I'm willing to accept reprimand when you find me lazy and losing my effort. You said you'll be good with yourself and manage your life well until that day, and I truly believe you mean it. We need to put words into action. Grow up, so I can grow up with you as well. I know it's unfair to push the initiative onto you, but for the time being, as I'm trying to recover from the current despairing state, will you bear with it and show me one more time, that you are really taking our words to heart? Let us go back to the healthy lives we once lived, and make it even better.
I thought about it. On the bus, walking on the way home, and right now in front of the computer. I was going to put in harsh words but decided not to. It's mostly my mistake, and it'd be a shame if I try to blame it on you. But I think it's time to make a change, and if you agree with me, let's not waste one more minute. THink about it this way, if we spend a minute more without a purpose, then that day will come one minute later. Try our best and let it come as soon as possible, shall we?
I thought this summer would be passionate and energetic, but it turned out to be a languid time. Before the autumn comes, though, we can rekindle the fire that warms up our body and soul. This time, it will last through winter, next spring, and all the days after that. And last but not the least, all of this is not only for our future, but also for the glory of our Father. I believe in you, and I have faith in Him. There is nothing for me to fear, no matter what trouble lies ahead of me. Set our eyes on the promise, and hold onto me tight, then we will never get lost in the wilderness.

serenity at midnight

When was the last time I sat in front of the computer and wrote down my thoughts? A day only has 24 hours, and if two persons spend it together, one would only have 12 isn't it? It's only a joke, but life has been incredibly busy. When we're doing homework, when we're talking to each other, even when we're looking into each other's eyes, time slipped away, without leaving us a note.
I never imagined we're already where we are right now. Different things are happening around us quicly, and I guess we just drift along with them. A day after our two-month celebration turned into something far more important. And just like that, I made a decision that I am never going to regret.
And there comes the responsibility. you said I always talk about future, and we don't really know what will take place. Well. today I'll look at the past, and find out how we got here right now.

5.22 That's right after we were together, and you feel a complcated emotion at heart. You're not sure about the future, because you're afraid of two people living at 2 places. Honey, to be honest, I was scared of that too.
5.25 Hillsong concert, and for the 1st time, I made some food for you. Thank you for letting me know your happiness.
5.28 Is this the first time for us to hold hands? I don't know, but I can tell you are glad. You feel like I was trying my best, and you're satisfied with what we had that time. You don't want promises, because you dont like asking for too much. You're grateful enough of the fact that we're together.

My eyes suddenly got a little wet. I don't need to read any more of that, because I already remember what it was like in the beginning. We didn't have the physical relationship by then, but I believe we liked each other not a bit less. IN the first 6 days, I didn't make you mad for once. But then I got a bit greedy, I became more demanding, and I started to argue with you on the smallest things. Your hope of happiness is such a simple wish, yet I didn't do what I could to make it happen everyday.
You have already given me a lot, even more than what I deserve for what I did for you. I want to assure you again, for every decision I have made, I will live up to my words. I'm not asking to go back to the life in the first 6 days, but I will fill your life with that original joy one more time. No more argument, no more misunderstanding, and a lot more trust and smile. It's summer, and I want to give you as much sunshine as I can.

6.23 兩個月後的今天
你就要回去了
那時候你可能正在回去的途中
然後我可能正在這邊寫下我對你的思念

When that time comes, I will be missing you as much as you think of me. But I don't want you to feel lonely and blue. I am, and will be with you as you breath every time. I have faith that we can get through this, not only because our commitment is strong, but also I will keep my love fresh and firm for my loved one, today, tomorrow, and every day after that. Until next time we see each other again, God speed.

End of June

I guess time goes by pretty fast. In a blink of eye, it's been more than a month since I came back home, and in less than 2 months I'll probably be leaving this place once more. Is it the time to do a countdown now?
The enjoyable days always seem kind of short, doesnt it? I thought last summer was a long, painful vacation, because all I did was staying at home and working on small and mindless business. Day after day, it's easy to get sick. But now it feels like we haven't really done anything yet, nearly half of the time is already over.
I don't know when months later and we look back, what we will say about this time. And I can ignore that for now. But there are things I have to think of, and these might not be altogether fun. We need to spend more time and energy on certain things, and if that means taking away some playing time, I'm ready to accept that.
WE talked about this before, and we agreed that one way to glorify our Lord is to do our job to the best of our abilities. Both you and I know that we're still students, and school should come before other activities. I can't say much about you, but I feel like I'm not taking what I'm doing seriously enough. Maybe what I did hindered your progress as well, and I'll look to stop it. We said not to talk about future anymore, but that doesn't mean we should disregard our dreams. I'll keep doing what's necessary towards mine, and hopefully you'll do the same. I don't regret it if things don't really go in the direction we hope for, but I'll feel terribly guilty if I didn't try hard enough to make things happen.
And I'll get serious from now on. Talk to me if you think we're doing too much, or too little. If we're learning to become responsible of ourselves, then let us start from this very moment. Life isn't always easy, and sometimes we cannot take things for granted.
Before the end of June, expect a change in you and me. When the summer sunshine of July comes, I hope our lives will have a brand new look.
Thank you for listening to me, sweety.

The night is getting darker. I thought about going to bed now, then decided not to, because there is something else still on my mind.
It's been a while since the last time I looked into the night world like this. I don't particularly enjoy doing this, but somehow it feels a bit nostalgic. Like how you feel about the old days.
And just as in the black dome above the head and the lingering light from the street lamps, I can't see too much. If it's something within my eyesight, all that's left, is at best a silhoutte, a general shape without edge. Darkness is really a friendly colour: it blends together with everything else smoothly, almost without a seam. So this world suddenly falls under a spell, covered by an inexplicable cloud that makes everything too vague to distinguish. It tells you just enough about which direction you're heading, but doesn't say anything about what exactly lies over there. Like the future we're going in.
I said I'll try to bring the past good times back, back into tomorrow. I said I'd do all I can to make it real. I asked you if you can accept tomorrow even if it is still different from what you remember. And you said you'll try.
Yea. trying is probably all we can do. But I don't like using that word. I only say it to others when I really don't know if I can fulfill their request. It's like I'm making a gamble with little confidence. That's trying. Because if things don't turn out the way I want, I can always go back and say, "I tried, but it didn't work." It's not answering the question.
Suppose if a friend asks you to do him a favor. "Can you send this letter to the post office for me?" There're only 2 choices: yes, or no. "I don't know" means saying no, because that friend will only entrust his letter to someone who answers yes. And it will be the same for "I will try."
I guess asking for future isn't something you want. It appears to me that you either are afraid to accept unfulfilled promises, or simply do not want to make a wish for what's to come. But both of them are fine, because I will rephrase what I said earlier, and now all I ask is for tomorrow. As long as you answer yes, I don't mind asking the same question everyday.
I know I'm possibly thinking too much or asking the unnecessary again. And maybe the question is only to satisfy the selfish and wishful thinking side of mine. I know damn clear tomorrow isn't in my control, yet I still demand something from you to make myself feel at ease. Isn't it pathetic? I'm only asking you for more assurance, even though I know none of it will matter at all. Who am I trying to fool here?
Suddenly I feel sorry for myself. If I didn't ask this much from you, if we go back to the most basic things in life that bring us both happiness, if we expect less from each other, would we be better off? Maybe doing too much always include something unnecessary. From this moment on, perhaps it's best for me to grow up a little bit, behave myself a little bit, and ask for a little bit less. If you think you're making too many compromises and I'm thinking the same, then I'll make sure they're not part of your burden. It looks like I'm starting to take things for granted, and I will stop getting myself spoiled. It may seem I'm stepping back a little bit, and it pains my heart to do so, but if it can bring us back those good times and make our bond stronger and last longer, that is what I will do.
So if you're unable to answer that question, then don't worry about it. I'll throw it away. My faith in the Lord will not be shaken, and so is mine in you. You said you would keep the same faith in me, and I believe you will. Because of that, you said even if we walk away from each other, we will be fine and come back to each other. I'm glad your belief is this great, and that alone will erase all the doubts I have in mind.
I don't want to be the person who saddens your heart time after time. Instead, I will be someone you're proud of. I thank God for giving me this revelation tonight, and while you're already asleep, I wish you a peaceful dream. Take my hand tomorrow, and we shall together make it better than all the good times from the past.

There are things I never want to think about, but often they just take place anyway. So in the end, by the time they come to me, I am not fully prepared, and just left alone to think how I could've done better.
Well, looking back a bit, I'm already home for almost a month. Wow. That means my stay in this place has already progressed about 1/3. For many times, I wished the time could just stay at where it was and not move forward. I told you not to imagine what would happen after September, and honestly, I didn't want to do that myself. I only know it's going to be difficult, and you said the real hard part starts now. But the last thing I want is leave as it is, and not getting ready for it. At least, I'll make sure I am mentally and physically prepared for it.
I once hate it when time goes by this fast. Now that I carefully thought about it, this might not be something bad after all. I know at some point in the future, I will mature and become a full-fledged adult, who can take on the responsibility of supporting a family. If our days go quickly like this, then doesn't it mean that day is going to be here soon? I know most people have limited patience, and I definitely don't want to keep you waiting for too long.
With that said, it only means I have to work more, and work harder from this moment on. A promising future will only be obtained with my own effort. Sometimes I need a lazy day to get over myself, but 99% of the time I shouldn't allow this to happen. So if you really like me and are willing to be with me from now on, think about not only how we should enjoy today, but also how we can get to where we eventually want to be. Support me to do what I need to do, remind me when I forget my responsibility, and admonish me when I am being tempted and get astray. In the meantime, I'll do my part of the job and tell you the same. I am aware this might sound quite sudden and might even hurt you a bit in the beginning, but I'll just tell you one thing: I'm really thinking about the future now, and this is probably something necessary and we have to get used to. If we can encourage each other, alert each other of our own mistakes, and hold our hands together thru the days and nights, I believe we really can go a long way, and our dream will really become true.
Before either one of us falls asleep, I pray to God that you have a peaceful slumber, and thru Him, will the 2 of us be connected. Tomorrow, I will work harder, and also like to see your smile again, because the warmth of your hand can always make me feel at ease.

One sky, for the two of us to share

I have exactly 30 minutes before I leave, and you complain about me being lazy on writing the blog, so I'll put down some words here, and let you know something inside of me, which I haven't shared with you.
Are you sad? You won't tell me the reason, but I can guess, and I know I'm probably right. It's because I said I'll see if I can go to your place today and spend time with you and your friends, then I changed my mind. I know you want to see me, and in all honesty, I want to see you too. But there's still one thing you're not thinking right now: I may not be able to see you everyday, and also, I have other friends that you have not seen before. If I spend all my time with you and your friends, will I lose my friends then?
In fact, I was thinking about bringing you with me today. You've presented me to most of your friends, and I should do the same. Just as you should spend time with them now and then, I have no reasons to abandon mine either. Being together doesn't mean we have to be right beside each other for every second of our lives; sometimes, a short moment apart will make the time of us together even more meaningful. If you can't take in those words right now, then it's okay to leave it aside for now. I'll come back to you in no time. And even before that, I'll still be thinking about you. Remember I asked you to call me after they leave your place? That's because I said I'd talk to you plenty if I can't see your face today, and on top of that, I really, really want to hear your voice.
So before that, I will whisper a prayer, and let God bless you with His grace tonight. There's no need to be sad, as I am always with you. And once again, baby, take care.

Between now and the next time I'm getting back to work, I guess it's okay to stay here for a short while.
I heard in the book, people often talk about prophets and the prophecies they make. Well, I don't think I'll ever have what it takes to be a prophet, but when what I thought of from before really happened in my life one day, at least I'm prepared for it.
I said there're going to be bumps and ditches on the road. And I can only say I'll never try making you cry again. Because deeply within, I really can't tell what is going to happen between us. Remember in the Proverb? A man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. I can do everything to the best of my ability, but a human is imperfect, and when I'm bound to be wrong, selfish, and upset, are we going to replay the scene that took place today?
Perhaps it's pointless to talk about anything more about it. All I'm going to do is leave it behind and move on. Some days are full of sunshine, while others are filled with rain and clouds. It's probably the simplest fact of life, yet when the storm comes around the corner, I still panick, fear and feel clueless about the trouble. You said happiness is our saving, and every argument takes away a bulk of it and leaves the account almost empty. Well, if there comes a day when we use up the credit and I'm too tired to refill it above the limit, will you help me gather the missing portion?

I look outside of the window, and spot the feeble street light. The lamp, standing alone in the darkness, gives away the dim yellow rays to whoever walking under. Countless times, I strode in that slight warmth, trying to fend off the coldness from every direction. In this quiet world, I stopped for a second, closed my eyes, and just let my thought drift into nothingness. When was the last time I meditated like this? I don't remember, but certainly it feels nostalgic. No one is around, yet, I'm fine with how it is. I raise my hand to type something up, but my fingers are frozen in this moment of tranquility.
I heard the moonless nights are for the souls of wanderers to enjoy, because a world of oblivion is only available to these hearts. Nobody needs them, and they need nobody. The most beautiful moment of a tragedy is when it's the saddest, the grand finale takes place just before everything goes to dark and lifeless. Somehow, I feel at least a part of me belongs to this world. Is this really the other side of me then? The self from day time hid away behind the mountains along with the sun, and this other me emerged as the light faded from the sky. It has the eyes of a cynic, and to them, it doesn't make sense to feel lonely. It's nothing more than an alternation of having someone accompanied and being alone. The lord created times when there is something around, and when there is nothing left, so leave it as it is, and any questions are deemed inherently unncessary.
So lord, would you shed your light to this broken soul, and give it an answer: If you make us able to feel lonely and and feel fulfilled, why not robbing both of them and leaving our hearts devoid of these emotions? If it is a rainy day, or a pitch-black night, why would someone be satisfied and excited, while others are frightened and despondent? If you create everything with a facade, when can we finally take it off and discover your true intention? If pleasure is always followed by pain, then can we just paralyze our senses and deny the existence of both?
When the night reaches the darkest, will you still be watching over us? If you think my other side isn't worthy or faithful, can you cleanse it off from my body? I know I'll never be perfect, but at least, please make me better by tomorrow, than what I am today.

Sweet times, without saying "I Love You"

I guess the terrible thing is, for the first time, we encountered a problem since that day, and it took us quite some time.
The good thing, on the other hand, is we really solved this problem, and now we're back on track. Maybe not quite as where we were, but all we need, is heading in the right direction.
And this is how I should be convinced: give me a decent reason, and I'll change my mind. It might take some time, I might have to struggle a bit to subdue my own impulse and irrationality, but all I need is a sound reason.
I thought about it too, actually. If this is going to last for a long time, then there's no need, and it doesn't help to rush things. Maybe it is like building a skyscraper. We're given a couple of years to complete the project. We can either build it bit by bit, checking every step as we go along to make things are in order; or we can go really fast and build it up in 3 months, but only to find the structure is full of flaws and we need to go back and fix everything up. If it takes the same amount of time, why don't we go slow but steadily? I'm still happy about where we are right now, but I want to make sure of everything as we go. When we reach the completion, I want both of us satisfied with what we have done along the way. A problem like today's might come up often, and I'll fix every one of them before moving on.
And about that. I'd just say it's a misunderstanding, because now that I thought about it, I never seriously doubted you for a second. All that happened is an idea flicked in my brain, and I was caught up in it at the time. I'm sorry for being unreasonable sometimes, but when it happens, could you just indulge me for a moment, and assure me again of your faith in me? I hope I'm not asking too much, and honestly, I feel bad for every time I'm being a foolish kid who questions many things I shouldn't ask of. Thank you for what you've done; your kind thought is as valuable as yourself to me.
Every time when the dark cloud disperses, the sky will be clear as ever. There won't be any of those 3 words tomorrow, but I'm sure, it will be just as sweet, if not better than, as any other days we have spent together. There's a point I want to make, and it is that what matters the most isn't just what we say to each other, but moreover, what we do for each other. Take care, and tomorrow I'll let you smile even more, honey.

I guess not writing this blog made me rusty a bit. Sitting in front of the screen, my fingers are poised to tap some keys, but then, I really have no idea what to talk about.
Everything just happened so quickly, and life has been busy too. I'm glad we're finally here now, but a little time to reflect all what we did would be nice...guess we'll do that along the way? After all, you can't go into every exam totally prepared, and there are questions we'll just have to answer as we move on.
Well, as busy as it is, I'm off to make lunch. I didn't expect my life would be something like this, but it doesn't feel bad at all once it turns out to be this way. There're plenty of time for the 2 of us together, and I'll try to make everyday of it full of joy for you.
Can't wait to see you again, and hold you tight one more time.

Sitting in front of a blank page, I guess it's the worst nightmare for someone in need of writing something. Thw entire whiteness simply looks devilish, and maybe it's best to let out some of the emotion inside, before I get back into the mess.
I can see ahead of me, all the good days when these couple of weeks is over. I turn around and look behind, most of the bumps on the road are already fading away. Is it the moment of desperation, full of hope yet surrounded by hopelessness? I wonder if what they say is true. I don't want to fall off the cliff at the last minute, so please, don't put a broken bridge in front of the final destination.
There's something called entropy in this world, which never goes away and keeps adding more to itself. I guess it's just another word for listlessness. There's no time to put everything back in order, or am I just excusing myself from doing so? Either way, as my brain gets more dysfunctional, my thinking scattered in pieces, Lord, show me the light to the promised land. If my body and soul can't get there as a whole, then break it apart so at least part of me can reach to it. Sometimes I feel this body is collapsing on me, but keep me moving until the battle is over. I cannot afford to lose to my other self one more time.
I can't see what will happen tomorrow, nor do i care to know. I only understand what needs to be done tonight, at this very moment, so that I may glorify you more. I said that we should not only seek you when I confront hardship, but for every second of my life. So Father, come into me to make me fear nothing.
I said I didn't have the time for you. That may be a true, because in reality, what I can't give you is attention. If I'm worrying about other problems when I'm talking to you, you should be able to tell. That's why I choose to step aside for a while. Maybe it's better this way for now.
I don't want to repeat those words, because I believe you won't forget them. Just trust God with everything you have, and through Him we shall come together once more.

If it's a cloudy day, do we have a reason to be sad?
If trouble encircles us, should we tremble in fright and fear?
If the road is difficult, is it best if we just stop walking ahead?

All I know is near the end, it's always the most difficult part.

We made it through almost everything, now it seems everything just starts to come after us one by one. I'm tired, my confidence gets wounded, and you over there, must be exhausted as well. I worry about collapsing under the pressure, and you are scared of the other side of yourself. My words get harsher day after day, and your fear adds to itself bit by bit. In front of this final assault, are we going to succumb to the attack and surrender?
But we made it this far. I thought we couldn't keep it up for even a month, but now it's more than 3 months. All this time, we had times of hardship, despair, loss of faith and tears of sadness. But we still stand on our feet today. We survived every challenge.
Were we like this in the beginning? I don't think so. The only reason is that we got stronger as we went along. It wasn't easy at all, but we had faith in each other that we could get past every round. And we did just that.
My heart is still heavy, and I admit this is going to be a long battle. Nonetheless, as I raise up my head, I feel that the morning sunlight isn't too far away. If you're up to it, then take my hand and come with me. Lord will lead us, and nothing shall be in our way. Cast away your doubts, because even if the world turns it back on you, I shall remain by your side.
There is no such thing as a complete fake smile, even if it's made of 99% pretense and 1% true happiness. And it is that 1% honesty that I cherish. Even if it's getting worse, I'll do what I can to make it better. One last thing, stop calling yourself ugly, because you're always a beauty to behold in my eyes.
Trust me a little more, and tomorrow it shall be sunny.

I just realized that I didn't get a coffee for over a month now. How amazing am I at saving money.
So did I learn to be thrify all of a sudden, or is it that my life has been severely out of order? You tell me.
I had planned something totally different from this. Well, my plan never works, and it's alright if it doesn't. But until this moment I got hit by a headache, my reasoning has been absent in my brain. Yes I didn't take control of my own life and just let it drift, and yes it's going down a waterfall and gonna hit the bottom soon. This isn't the way it is supposed to be.
Honestly I'm not smart enough to plan ahead too much, so knowing what to do tomorrow is just fine. I don't anticipate what comes after a month or a year; i'll figure it out the day before. If I'm not doing what I should do now, tomorrow isn't gonna get any better.
And I'll live my life the way I want now, even if it means going in a different direction. God is still with me, and he told me not to worry: I don't have the responsibility to plan out the entire future; all I can do is not to waste today.
I don't know if it means to make a U-turn, but if it is, let it be done, regardless of the consequence. Maybe this is something foolish to do, but I'm tired of being a fool all along. I know something in my life is important, but that doesn't mean I should ignore everything else important altogether.
The snowman already melted yesterday. Strangely, when I finally got over this in my mind, the sky cleared up and it's a nice day in front of me. Guess I'll just go down to the slope and enjoy a warm, bright afternoon. On this day, I will set aside all other business, and breath in some fresh, crispy air, under this blue blue sky.

Between this breath and my next, I gotta write something down so that this place isn't left dead for too long.
Life can be busy, but as long as it's filled with smiles, nothing is too hard to deal with. I have come across a lot of things, emotions that I do or do not understand, but whenever I see a smile or hear a laughter, all the confusion suddenly clears up, and I'm energized once more.
Let there be a prayer in every moonless night,
a beautiful wish before every battle we fight.
A cheerful song after every tear we shed,
and a sweet greeting in every morning's light.

May His grace be with you, till eternity.

Oh, before going to bed, I guess I have one more thing to do.
I wonder how long this rain is going to last.
When clouds climb up onto the sky, the sun finally gets a chance to hide in the back, leaving the world without much light. Then the world becomes grey, as if it is covered in a layer of dust. Not long after, the rain comes down from heaven.
It's rain in spring time. When I was still in elementary school, I read about the rain in southern China. Every April and May, the sky will be shedding tears everyday, sometimes a few days in a row. As the wetness doesn't go away, clothes and building become moldy, and it isn't until July when the sun clears up the clouds, giving back its warmth and brightness. But June is already summer. In this season, sunlight is too enthusiastic to be likeable, so rather than embracing it, most people stay inside to avoid any damage in a hot day. As it looks, maybe the spring will not end with a beautiful day this year.
You sit beside the window, staring outside at this blurry world. The raindrops slide across the glass, leaving a trail behind, bizarrely artistic. Throught the scattered water on the window, I can vaguely see the view outside, but I don't know where to look at. Everything is in a mist, everything is blurred, everything is a mystery. From the silhoutte, I can tell there are a couple of buildings and a garden. That's also as much as I can say. After all, a rainy day isn't meant for people to tour around the city. Stay inside.
I remember when I was small and my mom was mopping the floor, she would always tell me to get onto the bed and wait until she finishes. I guess we are the same here. The world has become too dirty to the point of abominable, and Lord can't stand it any longer. So he sends down a message to tell us all to go home, then he himself starts cleansing the world. Lord loves people, so he makes earth more inhabitable for us by doing some cleaning regularly.
The bench, the table, and the shade, all become an unnecessary utility. Still, the shade is trying to cover for the table and the seats, even though the rain comes from all directions to wet everything. Shade knows he can't do anything by himself, and there's no nother cover he can find. Then he chooses to just stand there, even in defeat, just to do what he can for whatever below him. He doesn't look too well himself, but everyone knows he won't back away until the rain is driven away by the sun again.
Still, all of them look a bit lonely. Spring rain is cold, because in the sky they are still snowflakes; only the temperature diffenrence near ground turns them into little waterdrops. Showered in this cold, I feel a little sorry for the empty seats. I'm sure last night they dreamed of a sunny day today, and people happily sit around them and the coffee smell permeates the air. They weren't expecting this rain, and little did they know, once the sky starts crying, it takes days to calm her down. Even the flowers lower their heads, not letting anyone see their messy face. Most people think of the blossom of flowers in spring, but to some, it is nothing but a prelude to the grand finale in autumn. We have no control over the alteration of seasons, just like we can't totally govern our own lives. Be it rainy or dry season, spring or summer, one day this will reach the end, and our lives will be extinguished. It's only natural.
The same goes for the rain. It's just when we look forward to the end of it, it doesn't obey our command. When they're not paying attention though, it slips behind, and leaves us wondering when it is gone. An unhappy day might not provide you with the most pleasure, but this is part of life, so wait patiently for its end. Besides, when the clouds get too dark, you can always reach out to here, because this is where I am. I hope summer comes early this year, but if it doesn't, I'll just bring home the sunshine, and the delight you are always longing for.

The railway goes on, and finally disappears in the forest.
I'm standing between the two rails. It's quiet; I guess no train has passed here since yesterday. Behind me, there is a small train station. The wooden fence separates the platform from the waiting room, and in front of the signal light, I sit down on the pebbles below.
Sooner or later, a train will come. And if I wait long enough, it will take me on. At the end of the forest, the train may merge into some other lines, and from there, perhaps I'm a little closer to where I want to go.
But even if I get on the train, even if I arrive at the place, what's the big deal?
If my life goes on like a train, then it chooses the next stop. If one station is closed, should I wait for it to re-open, or just go to the next destination? If the two stations are identical to each other, then why should I linger around a particular one? I try to convince myself, but somehow, I can't gather enough reason.
I have no idea which routes are available ahead of me. When the train travels in the dark, I cannot tell where I am heading. Sometimes it feels like searching for the exit in a labyrinth. I can do my best to look for it, but may never leave this place in any due time.
Why am I trying so hard anyway. Isn't it better just to enjoy the landscape, the flowers and trees along the way? If I can't grasp my future, then why not just seize the present and make the most out of it? I notice right now, it's spring outside of the window. Spring comes only once a year, and if I miss it, I'll have to wait another year for it to come back. I only have so many years in my life, and there aren't many chances I can afford wasting.
The bell rings, and the next stop is coming closer. I need a good timing to get off the train. Someone says timing is important in one's life. If you have the perfect timing, then luck is on your side today; otherwise, pray to the Lord so that he can make it right next time. What's the best timing for me? All I know is when the spring is over, if I still can't do anything, then I should really leave it alone, and possibly, never come back to the same train station again.
If it rains on the way, it's the worst thing of the trip. In the midst of all the mist and waterdrop, my view of the world is blurred, and I feel there is no certainty to hold on to. Some people like the feeling of being questionable and insecure. They say if you don't know whether you'll be living in the next minute, then you'll learn to cherish your time right now. But if I don't know whether it is flat ground or a cliff in fron of me, would I be willing to take the next step?
You've told me of your location, and I said I'd come looking for you, no matter how long it takes. I guess I was a bit too ambitious. Still, I won't ever say a word in vain, and when the time comes, I'll get off at where you are. But whether it is a brief stop or longer stay, let the Lord dictate. It's difficult to keep one promise, and if I can't make another, please forgive me. I'll wear a smile tomorrow as usual, whether I'm still in the middle of the trip, or right beside you.

Mom, Dad, I'm sorry.
I was talking to my cousin today about his trip. Right now, the travel agency is asking for more money from his family, and demands a check to be sent overnight. Because it just happened so suddenly, his parents are not prepared at all for this. My cousin placed all the blame on his mom and dad, saying they should've known about it weeks ago. Then he locked himself inside.
It's disturbing to see a kid behaving like this. If he is not the one paying for the bill, then what's the point of taking out his anger on others? No one said he must go on this trip in the first place; his parents gave him this opportunity as a gift. What did he do to earn this trip? A $4000 tour around Italy is a luxury for anybody. Even if he deserves it, when a problem comes to them, what good does it do to just push around the responsibility? No one wants to pay a bill for no reason, and an overnight payment is just unreasonable. When they paid for the air ticket, they were clearly told it was the "full amount". Now the agency is asking for more, should they just shut up and do as they say? Putting the blame on parents while sitting in his room and enjoy some movie, this is not fair. A spoiled kid takes it all for granted, and when reality strikes, there's nowhere to run.
O, why am I talking about others, like I myself am complete innocent and holy? If I can see a problem from other places, then does that mean it's also affecting me? THinking back, even now I still cause unnecessary burden for my own mom and dad. I always thought of myself as an adult, who should take care of myself and relieve their pressure, but in fact, what did I do to help them? Why does my irresponsible way of handling thing always appear in front of them? I'm sick of using the word "childish", but I'm really nothing but that. They're getting senile, and I should be caring about them now. I made promises before, and now it's time for them to come true. If I don't change myself, I'll never grow up.
So i'm sorry for being such a kid all along, and by looking at others, I realize how disappointing I am. It sounds stupid, but from now on, mom and dad, I'll amend for my foolishness, and start behaving like an adult. Let my Lord control my destiny, and make me pleasing to your eyes and hearts.

Oh no.
I feel like I did something unforgivable yet again.
And this time, I think you really cried. You wouldn't let me know, just like you don't show anybody your tears. But I heard it. I can tell from the silence at the other end of the phone, you were sad about what I said. You asked me a question, and I gave you something that wasn't even an answer. As soon as your voice reached me, I feel I deserve some kind of punishment for what I did. I really want to hear your smiling voice once more.
That question, I think you already know what I would choose. You've seen what I've been doing all this time, and that leads to only one answer. I chose a non-existent option C only because neither of the two was a perfect scenario. And trust me, I know life can be imperfect most of the time. For a moment, I felt like letting all of my thoughts out and make them known to you and all of the world. But I decide not to, and it's almost painful to hold it in. Once I open my mouth, I won't know when to stop, and I dont want to make any mistake to dishearten you again. You and I are not together, and it is difficult to fix any problem if I'm not careful with what I say.
So I chose to evade the question, and made this awkward moment happen. You thought I was trying to lie, because I wasn't being serious about it at all. If it's not the time for the truth yet, then I just won't say anything about it. You can say I'm not telling the truth, because I don't want to make up some excuses instead, because in front of you, I don't ever want to tell a lie. I'm such a person, and I'm sorry for being so. But just for once, trust my decision, if you really believe in me. I still remember what I said, and will do everything to not make those words in vain.
May the dear Lord deliver this message to you, and rejoice your heart from the bottom of despair. Even if the whole world falls into darkness, I just want you to know, there is still one voice praying for your happiness without end.

This time, I'm really in the middle of a trip.
Well, I don't feel like complaining after all. I think Lord has arranged this challenge for me, and his intentions must be good. I have not been myself lately, and the distance between me and Him only becomes more and more everyday. Now he puts me on this small ordeal, I suddenly realize what I've been doing is just without justification. I deserved it, and if this is the way I can make up to him, I'd be glad to endure any hardship.
No one has predicted this trouble, and I doubt any human can explain why this is happening. Sudden snow storms at the airport, endless line up at the information desk, overbooked buses, and sleepless night of awaiting. Only He knows. He knows that I've become a sloth, and he doesn't want such a servant of his. So he reshapes me, even if it means punishment. Through pain he makes me see, and by harsh circumstances he lets me understand. He tells me it is not too late to repent: there is still time, but not enough to waste any longer.
So I'll go on with this trip, and take whatever that comes next. The night will be long, but it won't be too lonely, because I have him at heart, and when I close my eyes, your smile keeps me accompanied. Even there is a thousand miles apart, I am always with you, and you with me.

The main bridge is finally closed, and I'm left with the only option to use the side bridge. It's quite a detour, because it's farther away from my residence. Whenever I think of the fact that I need to spend more time walking around this bridge, I can't help laughing at how stupid the school comes up with such an idea to do maintenance on the main route.
Well, it's not too disappointing after all. Because of its distance, I've never bothered walking through the bridge before. And it's not the same as any other bridge. It's literally just above the waterfall, where the calm lake pours into the gorge down below. The peaceful flow is suddenly interrupted, water smashed into moist air under the bridge. Looking at the strea running down the height, I find my ears surrounded by the thundering sound of collision, the awesome power of water falling down from above. When it hits the rocks underneath, water dissolves into the air and slowly rises up to fill up the whole space. The bridge becomes a misty world, and every time I come in contact with it, my skin becomes moist, and my hair wet.
This world is transient. It begins at one end of the bridge and ends at the other. No one sets a boundary, but somehow, beyond the bridge, the mist mysteriously hides away. When I'm on the bridge, however, it envelopes me from my tip to toe. It blocks my view too: everything is vague, intangible, and if I stick my hand out, I can grab nothing but the air full of vapor. If I stay in this world too long, I'll start losing my sight.
If my eye can't tell me where I'm going, my feet will just move forward. Sometimes it feels strangely comfortable to walk around without knowing a direction. But this misty world isn't the permanent place to stay. If there is a cliff in front of me, the mist doesn't let me know. Once I wander too much, I might go astray and fall off into the abyss below. Then it would be all over.
I'm thankful that the bridge isn't too long. When I reach the other side, the sky will clear up, and I'll be able to see the sunlight again. It's not easy living in this reality, but once in a while, I appreciate just how real it is to be living.

Among all the things I had to finish today, I spent a couple of minutes questioning myself. About what I really want, what I can do, and what I will fulfill.
Although I dont like to admit it, there are bumps and obstacles on the road, and every time I run into one of them, the tires of my car get worn down a little bit. And when my confidence becomes too little to bolster the weight on my shoulder, life suddenly looks gloomy and unpleasant. So I have to stop, take a deep breath, and calm down my disorganized thoughts.
I remember that once before, I used to tell you to hold on to your belief, no matter how difficult it gets. It isn't that easy after all, and I shouldn't speak like that again. When trouble comes in, it disturbs all the plans I've made, and my resolve shatters so easily like a sheet of glass. If I lose my motivation, time slips away quickly, and when I finally wake up again, there's nothing to do but regret. I've had enough of that, and now it's time for a change.
If plans are not meant to work out, then I'll just stop making them altogether. All I can remember is that I made a promise to you to come back, when it's all said and done. A promise is a promise. As I think of this, it feels like I am injected with new life force, and I can keep going with a refreshed mind and body. Thank you for giving me this strength.
It's the end of february, and the lovely seasons are already waving to us. Just a little big longer, we'll be able to enjoy the best time of the year. So try your best, to live your life with a sweet smile.

I see a crack on the wall, and maybe it signals something to come.
Night is dark as usual. I can't see clearly outside, nor do I intend to. There's no need for such a thing. I need to finish what I couldn't complete during the day, but honestly, nothing else is necesary.
So I lower the curtain, and cut out every tie with the outside world. Once again I'm in a world all to myself. Lonely as it may be, this feeling doesn't seem too bad after all. It reminds me of the old days a little, like how I wanted myself to be.
I close my eyes for a moment, and flashbacks rush through my memory. I knew it all along, excessive emotions can't help anything; but how did I become this sentimental in the first place? I laugh at others for being a slave to their irrationality, but am I the same as them after all?
Fortune cookie, you lied to me. You told me I'm going in the right direction, but how come too much just seems hopelessly wrong? If the pressure on my back gets too overwhelming, I'll just unload some of the cargos, no matter how precious they might be. And once they're not with me, I have no intention to get them back.
At this minute, when everything around falls into deep sleep, I raise my chin up one more time. Looking into the mirror, I find nothing else behind my blood-shot eyes, except for that sheer resolve, the absolute vow I once made. If the road is going to be tough, then let my mind be tougher, my body stronger, and my will more determined. I know where the path leads to, and once I had a reason to go there. I will do whatever it takes to get there, even if it means losing the purpose along the way.

I feel like writing something down, yet my fingers get stuck on the keyboard. As my thoughts are paused one time after another, time slips away quietly, just like it always does.
As of now, one exam is done, and it is nice to take a deep breath without any worries. There are more to come, like the never ceasing troubles in life, but just for tonight, it isn't the time to think about any of that. I myself am aware that some work is still left halfway done, and some hasn't even been started yet. But even though I'm throwing away my sense of direction for a moment, this guilty conscience is in complete charge of me, and I'm a bit tired to resist anything for now.
A couple of friends left right after the exam, claiming this was going to be the best night of the week. After wishing them safety and a fabulous time, I strode back to my room. I'm not disciplined enough to refrain from having fun during weekdays, but getting myself drunk and unconscious seems rather pointless. Alcohol can erase the pain for the moment, much alike to tranquilizers, but after I come back to my senses, nothing changes, and I waste more time doing nothing at all but recovering from the blackout. It's not my time to have vacations yet.
Sometimes I wonder, if preparing for an exam consumes much time and wears down my patience, then afterwards, can I be liberated from such unpleasant experience? It's true everything has been completed, and I'm not idiotic enough to worry about what I did wrong, but what else is there to do? I'm not going to touch this subject for a while, and if I promise myself not to worry about any work, then this night, as far as it goes, feels a bit too uneventful. This emptiness begins to clog up in my mind, or is it that so much burden is released at once and my mind has been vacuumed?
Occasionally, it almost seems like my spirit can drift outside of my body, and look down at myself from the angle above. A part of me will then laugh at my own indolence:while analyzing every possible scenario, I don't like putting my hands into making any of them happen. Too much thinking can kill an opportunity, and I've tasted it more than once. Despite the jeer from the intelligent side of me, the spirit alone can't alter the reality; as soon as it gets frustrated at my own powerlessness, it returns to where it comes from, and everything turns back to normal once more. This sudden self-awareness, followed by rendering myself back to oblivion, becomes a recurring dream, if not nightmare, of my life.
I hear another mocking from inside. Why would I even write these things down? If it's not for my own cowardice and indecisiveness, then I'm simply pathetic, using "recording the daily thoughts" as an excuse to keep sleeping in my dark cocoon. But a cocoon will eventually be broken apart. The only remaining question, is whether I'm the one who'll crack it open, or it's someone else smashing it into pieces. I can see it's coming, and if a storm is destined to wash away my old self, then let it be as fierce as it can.

Cactus, the only plant you can find in deserts. Where nothing else can survive the climate, it roots deep into the soil, through the sand, and stands straight under the scorching sunlight.
I admit cactus isn't the best looking among all kinds of living things. At least, it has a tough exterior: the thorns on its body are sharper than those of the roses. It doesn't have the scent of roses either, nor does it possess the height of a pine tree. A cactus is short and it lives alone: you rarely can find a large cluster of them stucking together, they may be close to each other, but everyone holds his own ground. In a place of nothing but sand, over a small dune, the sight of its small body is already covered by the monotonic yellowness. Yet it provides the only green color you can see, only in this lifeless realm. It inhabits the world that isn't supposed to tolerate anybody, and struggles against all odds to keep its head held high.
Travelers appreciate cactus more than anyone else. When their water bottles are drained with nothing left, when the sun is evaporating their bodies, when hopelessness starts to sink in under their skin, a cactus may be the last straw for them to leave the place alive. Inside the green plant, there's the sweet and life-saving juice, the product of extracting everything possible from underground. Without the cactus in the deserts, who knows how many more people would have failed to escape from this living hell. A cactus does not shed its leaves when winter comes. By the time spring comes, other trees will enjoy the rain from heaven and leaves can be grown again; cactus does not have enough water to spare. So it's always leafless, and always green.
Want to keep a cactus, for its will of life is stronger than my own. Looking into the winter night, I can already hear the footsteps of the spring.

It's good to see some sunshine this early in the morning. Everything is quiet and static, except for a few birds passing through and the steam coming out of the chimneys. If I could, I will take a photo of it and bring it home. Too bad I have too much stuff to do right now.
I don't like this cold weather, because it seems like I don't have much will to fight on. Trapped in this winter, I feel myself being a bit despicable; how can I be brought down by something minor like this? Is it really impossible to plan the future, or am I just inept at planning? It looks like whatever I do, the pieces of the puzzle won't come together and form a complete picture. I'm tired and not even interested to find out where it went wrong. I just know that I have to make my way back to you somehow. Whatever happens after that, I'll leave it to God.
Too much thinking always gets me nowhere at all. I can't afford wasting this precious Saturday morning, and here it shall stop at this instant. Before going back to the never-ending homework, I'll wish you good luck with everything. It's true I've been unreachable for a while, but it doesn't mean that my prayer goes away.

It's still cold, just like any other winter day. I guess it's going to be like this for a while.
Waking up early isn't someting very pleasant, but at least there is a purpose. Whenever I go to Lord's house, I need to be punctual, and that's more important than anything. I want to be instructed by His voice, so that I don't get lost in this wilderness.
Start to miss you a bit, maybe because I know we can't speak for a while. It's like a natural instinct: when something is taken away, almost anything, you sort of want it back. But then rationalization kicks in, and everything becomes clear and completely acceptable. After all, this is better than not being able to talk for a month, or forever. Now I look back, when something occurs too frequently, I get used to it so much that I lose the sense of it and the desire to keep up. Maybe I overdid it. I think when I start to repeat myself, it's because I have nothing left to say. It's like my defensive mechanism working to drag on the conversation. There are things in my mind, but I'm not telling anyone. Some thoughts are not meant to be shared, at least for now. So all that is left is just daily greetings and asking if there's something wrong. From my side, I am just living my days in the usual way, and that will remain the same for pretty much the rest of it. As I open my mouth and nothing comes out, I am getting weary of my sudden loss of speech; when both ends of the telephone has gone mute, I cannot help myself feeling bad. I lost my sense of direction, and if happens to you too, then there's no point in continuing on.
So let us learn to appreciate this unspoken silence for a while. Collect our stories in a small box, and pour it out all at once after some time. That way, we can surely make our conversation more interesting next time. I believe it is the best for both of us, and thank you for suggesting it.
And one last thing, your name will be in my prayer everyday, and that is one thing I will not forget. May Lord convey it to you, so that you feel peaceful and being loved as you go through those lonely nights. Bless you.

It seems that the brighter the sun shines, the colder the temperature gets.
So on a beautiful day like this, the last thing I want to do is going outside.
The clouds from yesterday dispersed into small, scattering pieces, floating across the blue blue sky. Sky is always beautiful when it's sunny, like a clean sheet of canvas painted with that unique, smooth blue color. I feel like, if I look up into it, then I can see through the atmosphere and reach the outer space. The purity, the mysteriousness make me feel fascinated. Over the land of snow, the spruces are waving under the wind, their tops joining up the heaven and earth. I wonder if I can ever paint a picture as surreal as this.
But never go outside. On the way back, the sunlight gives off a little warmth, but it's taken right away by the flesh-cutting wind. The air has countless invisible razors in it; my skin gets red in a couple of second, as if the blood inside is ready to burst out any minute. I tie up every button on my coat, and it surprises me to realize my chest is still ice cold. The temperature sinks in from every pore. It doesn't matter how I fight it, there's no perfect defense in this case.
Don't get fooled. It may look nice from afar, but as soon as you get close to it, prepare to take on the casualty. There are traps under a lovely cover, and that's how people get caught up and never come back out again. Avoid the colorful mushrooms, for they are usually the most poisonous.

I think once I said, no matter how busy I get, I'll still come on here once in a while.
Because this is the place I tell you about my life, and there's no lie or deceiving, only my truest thoughts.
Looking out from my window, I see a quiet little town, not filled with heavy traffic, but the smell of a cold winter. When the sun comes out, the snow reflects the light into my eyes and blinds them. When the clouds hover over, so goes the whiteness, and the ice suddenly turns a little grey, just like the color of the naked tree trunks around.
I don't enjoy going out in this weather. The wind blows over, unmercifully, like a thousand knives slashing my face. Only five minutes, my cheeks, my hand, my neck all turn red, and my body becomes ice old even under the protection of layers of jacket. Every step isn't easy, and how I wish I can just stay inside all the time.
But I can't. I came to this place, not to go on a vacation, but to take on a mission, a lesson which God has arranged for me. I believe Lord has taken me, and he is trying to make me his vessel, which is also for my own good. I told Lord my wishes, and He told me back, in order for that to happen, I needed to be a qualified person. Then I won't disappoint the people I care so much about. So no matter how hard it gets, I'm not stopping now.
I know you're far away and I can't reach out to you, and it still makes me a bit disheartened. But I can always pray to the Lord to embrace you in His love, and that consolation is enough to keep my faith alive. I leave whatever I can't do to Him, and I am certain he will fulfill my request while I'm fulfilling His. Right now, I am missing you, and I hope you're all well.
When the winter leaves, summer won't be far away. Keep smiling, because you look best when you are glad. Take good care of yourself, for that's the only thing I need you to do for me.

Maybe it will like this from today on: too many things to do, but too little time to do them all.
I have to use the minimum time and maximum efficiency, to finish whatever I can.
I can picture the days I can't talk to you for a single moment, and even thought they're dreadful, there's no other choice. You know I can't stay in one place for too long, because if so, I'm not doing any good to anybody. Will I make you feel sad then? If I do, I'm sorry, for I can't even find a reason to excuse myself. These are the hard times, and as Lord puts us under the test, I can only pray that our faiths in Him and in each other will be more solid, rather than just ebb away. I hope this time can be over in a blink of eye, just like how I will fly to you in the end. In the time between, please don't forget the wish I made in front of you. I'll ask nothing more than that.
I'm walking on the path my Father has instructed me, and I look forward to the inn where you make me feel home. The sun has just risen, and when it shines right above us, I will be able to fulfill the words once I said to you. May Lord protect us both in this journey. Amen.

I was flying above the clouds, and thinking about the you underneath.
I was looking at the night sky, and imagining your smile in that thin air.
I was listening to my fingers running on the keyboard, and guessing you doing the same.
I was praying to my dearest Lord in heaven, and wishing you enjoying everything in life.

Always, even when I'm not around.

Lord created us, and we thank for his grace to give us the lives.
Lord blessed us, and we bath in his love and listen to his words.
Lord tested us, and we once doubted his wisdom but repented at last.
Lord will reward us, because we are his children and faithful servants.

I saw your face in my dream, but it was gone when I woke up.
I heard your voice in the bustling city, only to realize it was my illusion.
I shouted out your name loud, instead was greeted by the empty echos.
However, I did feel your kindness in my chest, nostalgiac yet heartwarming.

Until the sun rises again, I will remain silent, even if it means avoidance.
Until the moon rises again, let us bear Lord's yoke, even if it is hard work.
Until we speak again, I will pray for your joy, because I care about you greatly.
Until we meet again, let us put this behind, because we will write new stories.

So until the next time, Godspeed.

After all the anticipation, whether willingly or not, I'm getting out of this place, and leaving this page of my life behind. If I write a book recording myself since birth to death, I guess I've already done 1/3 of it.
In my prayer this morning, I confessed that I felt uncertain about what would be waiting ahead. I can make a plan for tomorrow, but cannot look into the future. Only Lord's wisdom can accomplish that. But I will place my faith in Him, for he will take care of his children and make the best decision for them. It has happened in the past, and it will be done again in the future. Even though I cannot fathom his gracious intent, I will still go down the path and fulfill my words and His wishes. I don't doubt for a moment, there will be light and warmth in the end.
I'm leaving you now, and I said I would come back in a while. It will be short, but expect a different person by then. My life isn't going to be static, and I'll keep adding flavor to it until it becomes beautiful. Maybe my thought of you will fade away a little, but it's okay, because we're still His children and our prayers will reach each other through Him. And if He wills it, when the time comes, we can still pick it up from there.
There's less time to spend around now, and I have to make my pace even faster. They say after walking through the desert, you learn to appreciate water a lot more, and I believe in them. And in your absence, our memory will keep reminding me of always looking up towards the best. But I'll hide it away from everyone else for now, since it's a secret between only you and me.

I'm very tired at this hour, and my brain is clogged with difficult concepts and unending thoughts. But still, I think I finally stumbled upon the answer I'm looking for. It's so simple that I wonder why I couldn't see it all along.
I said I'd never hide a thing from you, and here it goes. It's going to sounds a little harsh and unpleasant, because truth sometimes hurts, and you know it better than me. But even if you don't understand now, it's going to be okay, because as you walk down the road, you will get it one day eventually.
Days ago you said you were relying on me too much. I didn't think about it too thoroughly at the time, and it was my negligence. I understand how you felt, but I'm the one who really made this happen. Before I tell you more, I'll confess a story that even my parents don't know.
When I was still in junior high, once I had a crush on this girl. At that time, I took it quite seriously, because it was my true intention to make her happier. I knew she was having a hard time dealing with school, and I almost volunteered to offer my help. Literally, I took it all under my wings and did everything I could to help her get into the school she wanted. What I didn't know, was that I was giving too much care, and somehow it turned into indulgence. I shall stop here. There's no need to reveal what exactly happened at last, because she took it all for granted, and it could never lead to a "and they live happily ever after" ending.
That's the story. I don't regret what I did, because it seems I learned a valuable lesson. But it is unnerving to realize that right now, I sense the same story is unfolding once again. Remember once before I said I liked you? I still do, but now I'm afraid I'm doing things in a slightly wrong way. I just can't afford repeating the same old mistake.
I still remember you said you wante to grow up. I admire your determination, because I'm trying to do the same, yet having so much trouble. One thing I felt, though, is that there are days you have to walk home alone in the ice cold rain, and there are times you weep silently without being comforted by anyone. Maybe it rarely happens at all, but I won't be able to repair your broken heart every time you feel down. Perhaps you still recall that I'll always hold you dear to heart, but will that alone be able to overcome the disappointment?
God's love for us is unconditional. But I'm only human, and it's difficult for me to do the same. Sometimes I feel lonely and helpless, and even though I don't mean any hard, my words may carry a different meaning in your ears. It has already happened once, and despite that I never want to let it happen again, I can't guarantee there's no next time. I'm imperfect as I am, and if you truly care about me, please, just for the moment, bear with my stupidity. I'm not as wise as you think, but honestly, I'm beginning to get tired of apologizing every time something happens. It's hard for me to take it all on myself, even though I never want to see you feel sad.
Once I read from somewhere: true caring is not exactly sticking around the person every minute and doing everything together, but giving support to each other in times of need and going through hardships without giving up the faiths. I will take it as a word of truth. We're both aware that the parting moment is coming soon. But even in those days I'm not around, when despair strikes, come talk to me, and I'll let you know that I'm always there to give you a hand. Still, I will treat you as a full adult from now on, for this is what both of us want to become. It means that there will be pain and pressure, but after the journey, we'll truly be able to understand the meaning of happiness.
I don't like making promises, because someone responsible shouldn't give words for what he's not certain to accomplish. I know time can nurture a relationship or kill it, and let's wait to see whether he's a friend or a foe. Nevertheless, it's my sincere hope to come back to you when it's all said and done. So I pray to my dear Lord to equip me with enough power and faith, in order to tread through the dark water and reach beyond.

I feel a little awful right now, because just now I exposed my innermost fear and weakness. But I owe you a proper explanation, and here it is. I will write down every detail, not to defend myself, but in the hope to let you understand a bit more.

Honestly, I didn’t even realize I was acting strange until the moment you mentioned it to me. It’s true that I was talking in a louder voice, which is pretty unusual, but I never noticed I looked mad. To refine my behavior and control my emotions, I admit I still have a long way to go. I said I needed to grow up, and that's still quite true.

I understand that you feel you are mistreated, and you have every reason to think so. It’s my fault from the start, and I’m terribly sorry. I should have kept in mind, that no matter how frustrated I ever become, it’s unforgivable to take it out on you. It’s just, after all that search for nothing, I couldn’t quite calm down when you finally appeared in front of me. I’m not sure if you ever had this before, but when I was a kid and my parents were working for a long time, leaving me behind, I would cry and yell at them when they got back home. Even though I knew they were doing their best to make the family happier, and I was more than happy to welcome them home, I would still lose all my reasoning and let out all my emotions. In fact, when I first saw you today, I was unbelievably glad; I’m just sorry I can’t present it in a more acceptable fashion. I feel bad that I was acting like a kid and made you sad, but I just want you to know what I really meant that time.

No matter how I look on the outside, I’m still human, and I make mistakes all the time. I’m grateful you pointed it out to me, and as far as I can, I’ll avoid doing the same thing next time. Now, I have explained myself too much, and it’s time to take a break. Even if you still don’t understand, I’ll still pray for you, and in Lord’s name, I swear I will become a better person, as I have promised you once before.

Not long ago, I thought I had plenty of time to do what I want. I was playing computer games in high school, then switched to card games like poker after university, and finally to sudoku last fall. Partying and drinking were also part of the routine during weekends and holiday. It was fun.

But I don't have a lot of time now, and it's gonna be even less in two weeks. A new life is waiting to kick in, and, because of that, I need to adapt so that I can survive. It's really fine, because the way it's happening is logical and reasonable for me to accept. And what's more, looking back at what I was doing before, all of a sudden, I'm no longer enticed by those any more. Except for this diary, though, for I feel a need to record down those fleeting, but valuable thoughts on life. If I don't, they would be gone in no time, and there's no way to retrieve them.

Whenever it occurs to me that time is slipping right through my fingers as I breath in and breath out, I become a little saddened by the simple, yet undeniable fact. The Lord grants me this life and He's generous enough make it decades long, but it doesn't mean we get to enjoy our time forever. Every time I listen to One Hundred Years, I can't stop thinking how much time left I have in hands, and what I am obliged to do within the limit. If I get to live for 80 years, then I've spend a quarter already; even so, I haven't done anything to either glorify my Lord, or help others in need. Shame on me.

I know I can't waste much time anymore. But once I open another chapter of my life, some content in the previous one will be lost. That's why I am a little afraid of moving on, even though I don't have control over my pace. The thought of forgetting someone dear to me is frightening, and it has happened before, like a dreaded nightmare coming true. An important person from years ago could become a stranger today, because I am human, and time wears down my memory and faith. I am sick of this kind of real life drama and my own powerlessness, but Lord determines which to stay and which to leave behind, and I still believe it's to the best of my benefit. But maybe I can never understand his graceful intent, for my wisdom is foolishness in front of him. I admit my faith is shallow, so it still pains me when I take my leave, and try to hang on to the things that are meant to be forsaken.

I can't continue this on anymore, because if I think about it even a minute longer, I may really break down. Whether you're here to stay, or are just another passenger, I don't know, and I don't want to know. I don't want to expect anything to happen in the future, because the higher the expectation, the bigger the disappointment. If it doesn't turn out the way I am praying for, then tomorrow is just another day, and the earth won't stop spinning. Even though I'll always pray to God for your blessing, if I can no longer keep up and become alienated down the road, please forgive me for letting you down. Rest of the heartache, I'll take that myself.