3am meditation

I was certain that I could spend a night like this all by myself. After all, I've done that all these days, haven't I? Being alone is part of the process of growing up, and once I was quite proud of it. It felt like I could finally stood up on my own. It was like I'm an independent person.
And why am I staring at the ceiling right now and my chest is stuffed with something heavy? I thought this was gonna be no big deal. Because I didn't get how much I wanted for myself? Maybe I did think so. O well, that's not a logical argument. There's no law in this world stating that everything must be returned in the same way as it is given out, but one way or another, everyone's even. I guess Lord has already given so much and didn't demand a repay of favor, so I should not ask either. I had anticipated these moments were possible, and when they come, it should come as no surprise.
perhaps I've become selfish, that I start asking what's difficult to be given to me. If that's the case, I shall alert myself and stop making troublesome demands. I admit there's a sense of unfairness, albeit temporary, it still disturbs my emotions and burdens my thoughts. But I do thank Lord for making me go through times like this, and strengthening me along the way. If this is a method of becoming a better vessel, then it must be the correct way to go.
I asked you to be there for me when I'm at my worst. Now it's okay if you are not. I guess genuine care and love cannot be forced upon, but willingly given. And also, if I can hold onto my belief and my hopes past the situation I'm confronting right now, then I should be better at appreciating the good times in my life. An easy life is made to look like so by all the difficulty from before. I wonder if I can fully understand that one day.
But I have to find something to depend on. I'm not myself from the old days anymore. It starts to feel frightening to walk alone in the dark, and if I'm by no one's side, I'm not sure if there will be an exit at the end. But I will hang on, to my ultimate belief, and it gives me the best assurance I can ever ask for. Just for this reason alone, I will cherish everything that He has given me in my life, including the most precious one, and you should know what this present is.
It's okay to have a night like this, and it's even okay to have a whole year of nights like this. He's always right beside me for everything I do, never failing to be absent whenever I'm in need. And I'm glad that there's one more person who, even though can't stand by my side from time to time, still have faith and hope in me. I said i would stand straight so that you can hold on to me, and this does not mean that you have to hold me up, for it defeats the purpose. If it's part of my job, then I will work on it alone, because I still have my own responsibility.
Thank you Lord, for staying with me all this time, and I'm set to live according to your command. There's also something for me to treasure, and there's no excuse for me, but only to take care of you the best. That's why I'd say I love you the best, but I do want to know how to love you better. It's fine if you don't understand these words as of now; i just believe that one day, they'll become crystal clear to you. Thank you for putting your trust in me all along.