Maybe nothing can escape facing some sorts of adversity. Probability wise, the chance is just too slim to live day after day of your life without encountering any difficult situations. If I have to be tested to see if I've truly grown up, if we have to be challenged sooner or later on our way to the promised land, then I'd rather accept it on my shoulder now.
There are obstacles standing in the way, harsh words to be heard, doubts and conflicts from within. I understand that faith can be shaken, hearts can be hurt, and like all other troubles, we have to deal with them. There are things that must be discarded as sacrifice, and there are things that needs to be kept intact no matter what. I've come to realize what I need to accomplish within the limited time, and albeit whatever that seems to deter me, the choice has been made and the path has been set. There's never any confusion of that within me, since I've made up my mind in the beginning.
I admit I was careless for a moment, and then found my body dragging my feet to slow me down. Surely it has taken its toll, but I need to change a few gears, tighten a couple of screws, and turn myself to full throttle as quickly as possible. It's a race against time, and other than this time, I will take no more break. Next time i come to a full stop, it will be after I cross the finishing line.
It must be hard work for you too. I know it's not exaggerating to call it the hardest time, but you've walked with me this long, I remember every step we took, and they are all brightening my heart. And in the days coming, I'll do what I can to make your life easier. I admit that I still have growing to do, and I don't want to deny it when you call me immature, but I really want to reach the point where i can carry the whole weight of responsibility on my back and give you a green land to settle on. After all, when we get past this time, we'll become much more grown up, and even if there are more to deal with, we can look at everything with greater faith.
I thought for a while and still can't express my appreciation of you. Maybe I cherish you too much to put everything into words. But at this time, when I'm looking ahead of us, all I want is your hand. Stay close, and there's nothing we cannot overcome.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
End of Loneliness
I thought as we leave each other time after time, it’ll get easier for us to say good-bye and head into our own fights with life. But I was wrong. This is the fourth time we have to part for a while, yet it didn’t get any better for me. They say love fades away as time goes on, but baby, it’s really not true in my story. Believe me or not, I really love you more and more everyday, and try to care about you more than before. If I could, I would hug you all night, I would take you to
Baby I’m sorry for all the hard times I gave you. I was thoughtless, and mixed up the order of importance of things. No matter what I want, whether it is justified or not, I would never want to risk doing anything that could hurt you. You’re the present that God has granted to me, and if I don’t take care of you right, I would be indebted to God, and to you. There are things that I’m just not doing right, and every time I see your tears and realize how stupid I was, I just start to wonder how I can’t be better for you. And sitting all by myself in the airport now, as emotions start to fill up my head, I finally thought of the things I could have done, and it’s nothing but regret. But baby, I am grateful that I still have you, and you’re still loving and supporting me. They say behind every successful man there is a woman, well, I haven’t fulfilled my job yet, but when I do, you’re that woman for me. And no matter how hard it gets, I will be true to my words and to you. That day is coming, and I’m devoted to you for the rest of my time in this world, as I also believe you’ll stay faithful to me. Baby sometimes you speak of yourself as if you’re inferior, but you know you’re the best in my eyes and mind, and I never doubted that. I may lose my head and say something ridiculous and harmful, but you know how important you are to me, so please remember, I’ll protect you, cherish you, care about you. I’m growing up and taking more responsibilities. You can write that down, and I’ll show you by starting to do things right, and do what I couldn’t do before.
So baby, it doesn’t matter we have to be away from each other for 4 or 6 months, it doesn’t matter how much we talk to each other everyday, let’s stay devoted, to God and to each other. WE can get thru and we will, so please stay with me, stick together and never give up when trouble hits us, when Satan tries to tempt either one of us, for I do everything to you for God’s pleasure, and for your happiness. I will be your shelter, and a shelter never harms you, only protects you when the storm surrounds you. Baby, I’ll take the pressure off, little by little, and assure you by telling you my faith every time. It’s hard, but we can face this together. When you tell me sometimes you doubted I’m the chosen one, that’s the worst thing for me to hear, because I know I did something that didn’t give you peace and comfort, and shook your belief. But baby, I’ll regain that strong faith from you, because I promised you to be a better man for you, didn’t I? It’s time to right the wrongs and love you in a much better way.
I won’t get mad at you even for the smallest things, but deal with everything with a calm, heart. When I can’t control myself and am about to snap my anger, tell me, if I love you then don’t hurt you. Tell me you love me, and that’ll calm me down every time. Baby, of all things I need from you, I need your belief in me and ever-long love. Other things come behind them, but those two are the biggest support. As long as they are unchanged, we can handle any difficult situations, for I won’t give up on anything about you.
I’m a bit tired and probably need some rest. But I’ll call you soon, because your voice is the best thing to get rid of any bothering emotions in me. But even if I can’t hear from you, our faith in each other will never grow dim, for God put us together, and now it’s up to us to respond to his favor, and together fight for the best. You’re the evidence of God’s bless, and I’ll do my part to glorify his name. And when I’m doing that, even if I’m not by your side, I’ll get closer and closer to you and eventually become one with you, as we promised to each other and always wish to be. That’s the true end of loneliness, and I’ll hold your hand tight during this rocky road, for eventually, it’ll turn rosy and bright. Let’s move on, and this time, believing in each other more than ever.
Baby, accompany me all the way, and love me as you always do, for I’ll do the same, and the future is right there and within reach. It’s darkest right before the sunrise, so stay close to me, let me take you through the hard days, and arrive in the place we’re longing all these years. I’m determined, so please let me know you’re always there. Baby, mom said that I’ll leave you to find someone else before I graduate, I’ll change and complain you’re old after a while, well, thank you for still believing in me, and I’ll prove them wrong. Because our faith isn’t based on things like that, but instead, it comes from our mutual belief in Him, and through Him, his bless is the most powerful and convincing. Like Pastor Yu said, everything can be overcome, and with His permission, nothing will be in our path. Let me live up to your hope, and for the glory of Lord. That thought gives me even more motivation to fulfill my words to you. You’re the gift, and let me treasure you as much as I can. Thank you baby, and I love you, really, really a lot.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
beside my sleeping baby
I guess one year ago, I never imagined a year after, you would be sleeping like a quiet baby by my side.
In all honesty I wanted to head out tonight. It seems like whenever I end up at your place, I've got to stay inside for quite a long time. You know, I've had days when I couldn't go out for a week, and that almost drove me crazy. Sometimes I need the fresh air to keep my lungs alive, but o well, after I took a look at you in the bed, I just felt it'd be too cruel to drag you up from there and go out with me. Your sleeping look isn't great - forgive my imprudence - but it's lovely enough for me not to break the peace around you. To bother you even less, here I am, finding nothing in particular to do, but recording one sweet moment of the day.
I thought about the blog you wrote earlier, and the reason you won't write on our space any more. It's kind of nostalgic to visit that place again, because after all, that was where we traded thoughts day after day, our own little universe, even before we chose each other for the other half. If we couldn't be entirely open with each other during an argument, we would always go there and try to reach a solution through writing. You refused to write there anymore after the clause that I quoted from a certain entry a bit too often. If you can revive the space once I stop quoting from there, then by all means, I will not mention that again. I understand that you prefer silence in time of arguments, and I accepted that from the very beginning, but I still want to hear the voice of your heart, and that was the place you used to show me your truest feelings.
I didn't know you were thinking of yourself that way until I read that entry; I thought I was the one needing improvement all along. Well, I didn't know for whom you wrote that one, but if you were talking to me, I don't mind at all. I don't know what things you were referring to, but I know you aren't very happy, and I was one of the big reasons. If someone has to say sorry, it won't come to your turn. And if there's an ugly side of you, then so is there to me, and we can call it even. I accepted you and that includes it all. Besides, my problems come from myself, and all I ask is sometimes, you can care about me a bit more when I need you the most. You're already nice enough, but I have to admit that I'm greedy, so please bear with me a bit more, okay? And lastly, don't say you're of no use or there's nothing you can do. You're my girlfriend and you are the best I can ever ask for. If you think you need to be better, then let's do it together, because I think I need more than you do.
Baby, if I don't talk to you again tonight, then let me wish you a good night here, and come find the surprise later on. You're always happy to find out i wrote something, and let's hope I don't disappoint this time. And last usual thing to say, I love you, so very much.
In all honesty I wanted to head out tonight. It seems like whenever I end up at your place, I've got to stay inside for quite a long time. You know, I've had days when I couldn't go out for a week, and that almost drove me crazy. Sometimes I need the fresh air to keep my lungs alive, but o well, after I took a look at you in the bed, I just felt it'd be too cruel to drag you up from there and go out with me. Your sleeping look isn't great - forgive my imprudence - but it's lovely enough for me not to break the peace around you. To bother you even less, here I am, finding nothing in particular to do, but recording one sweet moment of the day.
I thought about the blog you wrote earlier, and the reason you won't write on our space any more. It's kind of nostalgic to visit that place again, because after all, that was where we traded thoughts day after day, our own little universe, even before we chose each other for the other half. If we couldn't be entirely open with each other during an argument, we would always go there and try to reach a solution through writing. You refused to write there anymore after the clause that I quoted from a certain entry a bit too often. If you can revive the space once I stop quoting from there, then by all means, I will not mention that again. I understand that you prefer silence in time of arguments, and I accepted that from the very beginning, but I still want to hear the voice of your heart, and that was the place you used to show me your truest feelings.
I didn't know you were thinking of yourself that way until I read that entry; I thought I was the one needing improvement all along. Well, I didn't know for whom you wrote that one, but if you were talking to me, I don't mind at all. I don't know what things you were referring to, but I know you aren't very happy, and I was one of the big reasons. If someone has to say sorry, it won't come to your turn. And if there's an ugly side of you, then so is there to me, and we can call it even. I accepted you and that includes it all. Besides, my problems come from myself, and all I ask is sometimes, you can care about me a bit more when I need you the most. You're already nice enough, but I have to admit that I'm greedy, so please bear with me a bit more, okay? And lastly, don't say you're of no use or there's nothing you can do. You're my girlfriend and you are the best I can ever ask for. If you think you need to be better, then let's do it together, because I think I need more than you do.
Baby, if I don't talk to you again tonight, then let me wish you a good night here, and come find the surprise later on. You're always happy to find out i wrote something, and let's hope I don't disappoint this time. And last usual thing to say, I love you, so very much.
Monday, December 17, 2007
a different perspective
I've never written anything this late at night/ early in the morning. Of course, my brain keeps telling me to go to sleep, and I find myself having to listen to music to make my eyes stay open. Well, they say that when you're in a dreamy state, a different perspective, point of view appears in front of you, and all of a sudden, the universe changes its look.
But even so, I can't go on for a long time, as there's only 15 minutes till my body has to move again, from here onto the plane. Thinking back of what I saw and heard tonight, there are just too many things I don't comprehend, but the world goes on as it always does. Whether I go to sleep or stay awake, or get trapped somewhere in between, I know I'm going home, maybe not as a victorious soldier, but still longing for where I belong. There're countless things that don't go as we wish, and we still get to live with that, because this world doesn't exist for the purpose of perfection. I may want to fix a part of it, but it only comes at the cost of breaking another part. Nonetheless, from what we can see and feel, there's always a possibility, a hope of living in a better way. That's why I kept telling you a similar thing, because it doesn't matter things are good or bad between us, there's always room to have more fun and less pain. If it's a quest to find a better solution, then it will probably last for a life time.
I get scared of this world sometimes, because ordinary stuff can become so peculiar and strange that it's almost frightening. I try to reason everything with logic, but it fails too many times to be convincing anymore. I can't explain how it is, but reasons can't overcome instinct, even though innate reflex can be misleading and result in catastrophic situations. But before anything is sorted clear, let me get on the flight, and head back to where you are. I know eventually I will take you with me, but for now, let me have a shelter, give me some time to reflect, and look ahead once more.
Good night to you, and to whoever is weary and longing for a home to return.
But even so, I can't go on for a long time, as there's only 15 minutes till my body has to move again, from here onto the plane. Thinking back of what I saw and heard tonight, there are just too many things I don't comprehend, but the world goes on as it always does. Whether I go to sleep or stay awake, or get trapped somewhere in between, I know I'm going home, maybe not as a victorious soldier, but still longing for where I belong. There're countless things that don't go as we wish, and we still get to live with that, because this world doesn't exist for the purpose of perfection. I may want to fix a part of it, but it only comes at the cost of breaking another part. Nonetheless, from what we can see and feel, there's always a possibility, a hope of living in a better way. That's why I kept telling you a similar thing, because it doesn't matter things are good or bad between us, there's always room to have more fun and less pain. If it's a quest to find a better solution, then it will probably last for a life time.
I get scared of this world sometimes, because ordinary stuff can become so peculiar and strange that it's almost frightening. I try to reason everything with logic, but it fails too many times to be convincing anymore. I can't explain how it is, but reasons can't overcome instinct, even though innate reflex can be misleading and result in catastrophic situations. But before anything is sorted clear, let me get on the flight, and head back to where you are. I know eventually I will take you with me, but for now, let me have a shelter, give me some time to reflect, and look ahead once more.
Good night to you, and to whoever is weary and longing for a home to return.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
lonely prayer for the loveliest
After such a long time, this place starts to feel a bit unfamiliar now. I've been lazy havn't I.
Even at this hour, I can't think of much to say, even though so much is racing through my mind right now. It's like the mixed emotions in the afternoon, there's so much going on I could barely hold it in, but can't sort it out in words. So all I did was just holding you in me tight, wordlessly, yet unwilling to let go.
I guess I was stupid. There are a thousand things I could have done to make you happier, yet I did none of them. After selfishly thinking of only myself for 18 days, I finally woke up to find there wasn't much time left to give you a time to remember. I don't understand why or how I could do one of the person i care the most, yet I did it myself. The one I love the most.
I don't have much time now, because there are things to finish tomorrow. I can only say that the next time seeing you, I'll hold you and tell you how much I love you. I'll do everything to show I love you. I'll right all the wrongs and leave nothing but times to cherish.
I had thought I treasured you. Only when you are leaving, I found out I didn't do enough of that. When you're not by my side, when I'm looking into the dark night alone, your absence leaves my emotions in pieces. The room, once filled with your flavor, suddenly becomes devoid of your scent. After taking a nap, I customarily reached out, only to find you were not there anymore. I asked myself again and again why I couldn't be with you all the time, and the only answer I got, is this is still a test to be completed. I can see when this is going to end, but how I still need enough patience to get there. And I will get there, together with you.
Let me say nothing more, because it's not an option for me to have a breakdown, at least not in the library. But all the best, and let my thoughts accompany all the way, all the time, even though it's just a short separation, even though the good days are still to come. I have made my decision, and it's nothing but a wonder to have you in my life. Thank you baby, I will continue to love you with all I have.
Even at this hour, I can't think of much to say, even though so much is racing through my mind right now. It's like the mixed emotions in the afternoon, there's so much going on I could barely hold it in, but can't sort it out in words. So all I did was just holding you in me tight, wordlessly, yet unwilling to let go.
I guess I was stupid. There are a thousand things I could have done to make you happier, yet I did none of them. After selfishly thinking of only myself for 18 days, I finally woke up to find there wasn't much time left to give you a time to remember. I don't understand why or how I could do one of the person i care the most, yet I did it myself. The one I love the most.
I don't have much time now, because there are things to finish tomorrow. I can only say that the next time seeing you, I'll hold you and tell you how much I love you. I'll do everything to show I love you. I'll right all the wrongs and leave nothing but times to cherish.
I had thought I treasured you. Only when you are leaving, I found out I didn't do enough of that. When you're not by my side, when I'm looking into the dark night alone, your absence leaves my emotions in pieces. The room, once filled with your flavor, suddenly becomes devoid of your scent. After taking a nap, I customarily reached out, only to find you were not there anymore. I asked myself again and again why I couldn't be with you all the time, and the only answer I got, is this is still a test to be completed. I can see when this is going to end, but how I still need enough patience to get there. And I will get there, together with you.
Let me say nothing more, because it's not an option for me to have a breakdown, at least not in the library. But all the best, and let my thoughts accompany all the way, all the time, even though it's just a short separation, even though the good days are still to come. I have made my decision, and it's nothing but a wonder to have you in my life. Thank you baby, I will continue to love you with all I have.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
64 hours away
In another 64 hours, the second round of exams and mind tortures will begin. And maybe 2 weeks after that, it may finally come to an end. The good part of the story is, when I get to the finishing line, there's a prize awaiting, and we both know what it is.
For some reasons, last night's sleep didn't go smoothly. Early in the morning, I was already awake, even though my brain still couldn't function at max capacity. Tried to read a few pages of the chapter, and seemingly understood a little bit. But as it became brighter outside, my eyes got more sleepy than my mind. Still, thanks to a roommate, I was escorted to school quite safely, and even better, there's a room open in the library.
I know it was quite possible for me to fall unconscious at any given moment, and if that happens indeed, I'd miss the morning call, and of course I'm not the one to be awaken. No matter what, I have to hold onto the current state until the promised time. A sleepy and uninterested conversation isn't what I expected, but if it was so, then so be it.
Mission completed, I climbed upstairs to settle down finally and once again get back to work. Instead, drowsiness finally took over and my afternoon was spent with my face on the desk. It's not quite the way I wanted to prepare for the exam, but I can't reverse time, and have to leave the work for tonight.
So here I am, 64 hours away from the impending course of challenge, and trying to get everything together before it's too late. I don't want to seek for an alternative, there will be none given anyway. My chest feels heavy these days for some reasons, and for now I won't do anything about it because I don't know the cause or the solution. Maybe i've thrown away a bit too much, and let's keep the rest for the important stuff. Perhaps in these 10 days, I'll just keep quiet, and reflect on what I've done and what needs to be done.
I don't want to complain that I'm tired again, but denying the truth isn't necessary. After all, we have to face the same problem, toil over the same land, and still find a way to survive the big and small rocks on the road. If you find me giving you not as much as before, don't worry, let me know and it will be the same as before, soon.
So if there's no more conversation for a while, let me wish you a goodnight now. You're still much of a part in my life, and to the best of my ability, I want you to be content and happy. A heartwarming conversation in two days is worth more than two bland ones in a day, even if it means one and a half days of silent loneliness.
For some reasons, last night's sleep didn't go smoothly. Early in the morning, I was already awake, even though my brain still couldn't function at max capacity. Tried to read a few pages of the chapter, and seemingly understood a little bit. But as it became brighter outside, my eyes got more sleepy than my mind. Still, thanks to a roommate, I was escorted to school quite safely, and even better, there's a room open in the library.
I know it was quite possible for me to fall unconscious at any given moment, and if that happens indeed, I'd miss the morning call, and of course I'm not the one to be awaken. No matter what, I have to hold onto the current state until the promised time. A sleepy and uninterested conversation isn't what I expected, but if it was so, then so be it.
Mission completed, I climbed upstairs to settle down finally and once again get back to work. Instead, drowsiness finally took over and my afternoon was spent with my face on the desk. It's not quite the way I wanted to prepare for the exam, but I can't reverse time, and have to leave the work for tonight.
So here I am, 64 hours away from the impending course of challenge, and trying to get everything together before it's too late. I don't want to seek for an alternative, there will be none given anyway. My chest feels heavy these days for some reasons, and for now I won't do anything about it because I don't know the cause or the solution. Maybe i've thrown away a bit too much, and let's keep the rest for the important stuff. Perhaps in these 10 days, I'll just keep quiet, and reflect on what I've done and what needs to be done.
I don't want to complain that I'm tired again, but denying the truth isn't necessary. After all, we have to face the same problem, toil over the same land, and still find a way to survive the big and small rocks on the road. If you find me giving you not as much as before, don't worry, let me know and it will be the same as before, soon.
So if there's no more conversation for a while, let me wish you a goodnight now. You're still much of a part in my life, and to the best of my ability, I want you to be content and happy. A heartwarming conversation in two days is worth more than two bland ones in a day, even if it means one and a half days of silent loneliness.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
sunny afternoon, rainy night
I think maybe I've been complaining too much about the weather now. Well, I never wanted to think of myself as a whiner, butt occasionally, I have to admit that I'm bothered by too many trivial things.
I don't control things like weather, and really, nothing about it shouldn't concern me too much. So what if I just had a cloudy morning, a warm afternoon, and perhaps a raining night later on? Life stays the same, and I'll do whatever that has to be done. There's nothing good or bad about rain and cloud; what really tips off this neutrality is my own interpretation. I had wished that it would remain this warm until winter break so that you don't have to suffer from the cold snowing days. But even if the whole world is covered with ice, we'll just deal with it in some other way, and I'll just figure out how to keep you warm. Hope you still remember that some time ago, I told you that if your sky is raining, I'll just draw up a sun and put it up, so you can have the warm light all day long.
The world changes every moment, and so does everyone who lives in it. There are something however, that remains the same no matter how much time it passes. Between you and me, you already know my words, and they do not need to be repeated. You worry about me changing into a different person years from now on, and I do not blame you. But just remember, it's always most important to me that you are happy, not just now, or some time in the future, but every moment in your life. Five months passed and I know it won't be easy, but I never forgot about it, and will always do my best. I can do this all for a simple reason, and you know what it is. If what you want is me being unchanging about everything of you, then I will be the same person all along.
Clouds float over again, sparkling under the setting sun. It sure looks like rainy tonight. Even so, it's a wonderful view, and I hope you are right here with me to enjoy this. It feels like the sun is shining through the dark clouds, no matter how thick they are. I think it'll be the same for us; we can go through all the troubles to reach where we want to be, as long as we have faith in each other like we do now.
When I think of the old days, it can get a bit sentimental, because I clearly remember how happy and carefree we were. But then we start to face the reality, and life can't stay simple as it was. Unhappy moments took place, and we were disappointed, or even mad at each other from time to time. I always thought that I could care for you better, yet why did I make you cry?
If I'm to change, then let me always change for the better. If I can, I'd create a paradise just for you. If I need to treasure you more, then I'll pray to God and let Him make me better. It's one of the best wonders to have you in my life, and my pledge to you will remain for the rest of our days on earth.
I don't control things like weather, and really, nothing about it shouldn't concern me too much. So what if I just had a cloudy morning, a warm afternoon, and perhaps a raining night later on? Life stays the same, and I'll do whatever that has to be done. There's nothing good or bad about rain and cloud; what really tips off this neutrality is my own interpretation. I had wished that it would remain this warm until winter break so that you don't have to suffer from the cold snowing days. But even if the whole world is covered with ice, we'll just deal with it in some other way, and I'll just figure out how to keep you warm. Hope you still remember that some time ago, I told you that if your sky is raining, I'll just draw up a sun and put it up, so you can have the warm light all day long.
The world changes every moment, and so does everyone who lives in it. There are something however, that remains the same no matter how much time it passes. Between you and me, you already know my words, and they do not need to be repeated. You worry about me changing into a different person years from now on, and I do not blame you. But just remember, it's always most important to me that you are happy, not just now, or some time in the future, but every moment in your life. Five months passed and I know it won't be easy, but I never forgot about it, and will always do my best. I can do this all for a simple reason, and you know what it is. If what you want is me being unchanging about everything of you, then I will be the same person all along.
Clouds float over again, sparkling under the setting sun. It sure looks like rainy tonight. Even so, it's a wonderful view, and I hope you are right here with me to enjoy this. It feels like the sun is shining through the dark clouds, no matter how thick they are. I think it'll be the same for us; we can go through all the troubles to reach where we want to be, as long as we have faith in each other like we do now.
When I think of the old days, it can get a bit sentimental, because I clearly remember how happy and carefree we were. But then we start to face the reality, and life can't stay simple as it was. Unhappy moments took place, and we were disappointed, or even mad at each other from time to time. I always thought that I could care for you better, yet why did I make you cry?
If I'm to change, then let me always change for the better. If I can, I'd create a paradise just for you. If I need to treasure you more, then I'll pray to God and let Him make me better. It's one of the best wonders to have you in my life, and my pledge to you will remain for the rest of our days on earth.
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