3am meditation

I was certain that I could spend a night like this all by myself. After all, I've done that all these days, haven't I? Being alone is part of the process of growing up, and once I was quite proud of it. It felt like I could finally stood up on my own. It was like I'm an independent person.
And why am I staring at the ceiling right now and my chest is stuffed with something heavy? I thought this was gonna be no big deal. Because I didn't get how much I wanted for myself? Maybe I did think so. O well, that's not a logical argument. There's no law in this world stating that everything must be returned in the same way as it is given out, but one way or another, everyone's even. I guess Lord has already given so much and didn't demand a repay of favor, so I should not ask either. I had anticipated these moments were possible, and when they come, it should come as no surprise.
perhaps I've become selfish, that I start asking what's difficult to be given to me. If that's the case, I shall alert myself and stop making troublesome demands. I admit there's a sense of unfairness, albeit temporary, it still disturbs my emotions and burdens my thoughts. But I do thank Lord for making me go through times like this, and strengthening me along the way. If this is a method of becoming a better vessel, then it must be the correct way to go.
I asked you to be there for me when I'm at my worst. Now it's okay if you are not. I guess genuine care and love cannot be forced upon, but willingly given. And also, if I can hold onto my belief and my hopes past the situation I'm confronting right now, then I should be better at appreciating the good times in my life. An easy life is made to look like so by all the difficulty from before. I wonder if I can fully understand that one day.
But I have to find something to depend on. I'm not myself from the old days anymore. It starts to feel frightening to walk alone in the dark, and if I'm by no one's side, I'm not sure if there will be an exit at the end. But I will hang on, to my ultimate belief, and it gives me the best assurance I can ever ask for. Just for this reason alone, I will cherish everything that He has given me in my life, including the most precious one, and you should know what this present is.
It's okay to have a night like this, and it's even okay to have a whole year of nights like this. He's always right beside me for everything I do, never failing to be absent whenever I'm in need. And I'm glad that there's one more person who, even though can't stand by my side from time to time, still have faith and hope in me. I said i would stand straight so that you can hold on to me, and this does not mean that you have to hold me up, for it defeats the purpose. If it's part of my job, then I will work on it alone, because I still have my own responsibility.
Thank you Lord, for staying with me all this time, and I'm set to live according to your command. There's also something for me to treasure, and there's no excuse for me, but only to take care of you the best. That's why I'd say I love you the best, but I do want to know how to love you better. It's fine if you don't understand these words as of now; i just believe that one day, they'll become crystal clear to you. Thank you for putting your trust in me all along.

Goodbye summer

By the time the rain has been coming down for the third day, I know the summer of this year really came to an end. After this, the temperature will drop quite a bit, and never climb back up again. Summer, I say goodbye to you.
I guess there are seasons in our lives too. You said the honeymoon season was already in the past, and now, we had no choice but to deal with reality once again. You're starting to feel fatigue, and I also understand that. There are many things to face, one after another, and trouble just seems endless. Are we going through our winter time then? If we are, then how long will it take for us to go into summer again?
There are good times in life, as well as bad ones. No one can have the same kind of lifestyle throughout his years, and I certainly don't expect that myself. We were passionate during the summer, had countless good times together, but now we are different. Still, I don't want the old time to just become memory, something we can't have again in our lives. That's why I'm trying so desperately for us to go through the days filled with loneliness and disappointment, even if I'm not doing it the right way, even if we still can't overcome all the hardships. My words often get distorted when they come out of my heart, but I really hope you remember the reason of my almost excessive care. When I'm not around, I feel like I need to make sure you are okay on your own. Now I have told you I will no longer tell you what to do and leave the responsibility to yourself. I will be worried from time to time, but I've decided that it will make our lives easier, and from now on, what comes out of my mouth will not hurt you anymore. When the two of us are apart, what you need most isn't constant criticism, but love and care. And I'll always remember that. It's really my hope that it will take us back to the old days, when you were happy to talk to me and I'm delight to hear your voice.
So as Í try to find my way out of this rainy season, I will send you a silent prayer everyday, and comfort you every time you need consolation. I'll be good, and when the summer comes again, baby, I'll make sure, that you will smile with joy, like we alway did in the past. Baby I'm sorry that right now I can't be with you on your side, but I still believe we're connected by heart. I love you, and I believe I can do it in a way that you like the best. I said I will not let you be disappointed, and I really mean every word that I've told you. I'll work hard, to make both our lives better than those sweet days from the past. Our hope, our promises, I remember every one of them. You are my most precious gift, and I will cherish you forever. This cold weather has lasted long enough, and I'll find the missing sun, then put it back in our sky, and warm you from the bottom of your heart. I can't, and will not stop loving you.