Not long ago, I thought I had plenty of time to do what I want. I was playing computer games in high school, then switched to card games like poker after university, and finally to sudoku last fall. Partying and drinking were also part of the routine during weekends and holiday. It was fun.

But I don't have a lot of time now, and it's gonna be even less in two weeks. A new life is waiting to kick in, and, because of that, I need to adapt so that I can survive. It's really fine, because the way it's happening is logical and reasonable for me to accept. And what's more, looking back at what I was doing before, all of a sudden, I'm no longer enticed by those any more. Except for this diary, though, for I feel a need to record down those fleeting, but valuable thoughts on life. If I don't, they would be gone in no time, and there's no way to retrieve them.

Whenever it occurs to me that time is slipping right through my fingers as I breath in and breath out, I become a little saddened by the simple, yet undeniable fact. The Lord grants me this life and He's generous enough make it decades long, but it doesn't mean we get to enjoy our time forever. Every time I listen to One Hundred Years, I can't stop thinking how much time left I have in hands, and what I am obliged to do within the limit. If I get to live for 80 years, then I've spend a quarter already; even so, I haven't done anything to either glorify my Lord, or help others in need. Shame on me.

I know I can't waste much time anymore. But once I open another chapter of my life, some content in the previous one will be lost. That's why I am a little afraid of moving on, even though I don't have control over my pace. The thought of forgetting someone dear to me is frightening, and it has happened before, like a dreaded nightmare coming true. An important person from years ago could become a stranger today, because I am human, and time wears down my memory and faith. I am sick of this kind of real life drama and my own powerlessness, but Lord determines which to stay and which to leave behind, and I still believe it's to the best of my benefit. But maybe I can never understand his graceful intent, for my wisdom is foolishness in front of him. I admit my faith is shallow, so it still pains me when I take my leave, and try to hang on to the things that are meant to be forsaken.

I can't continue this on anymore, because if I think about it even a minute longer, I may really break down. Whether you're here to stay, or are just another passenger, I don't know, and I don't want to know. I don't want to expect anything to happen in the future, because the higher the expectation, the bigger the disappointment. If it doesn't turn out the way I am praying for, then tomorrow is just another day, and the earth won't stop spinning. Even though I'll always pray to God for your blessing, if I can no longer keep up and become alienated down the road, please forgive me for letting you down. Rest of the heartache, I'll take that myself.