I'm very tired at this hour, and my brain is clogged with difficult concepts and unending thoughts. But still, I think I finally stumbled upon the answer I'm looking for. It's so simple that I wonder why I couldn't see it all along.
I said I'd never hide a thing from you, and here it goes. It's going to sounds a little harsh and unpleasant, because truth sometimes hurts, and you know it better than me. But even if you don't understand now, it's going to be okay, because as you walk down the road, you will get it one day eventually.
Days ago you said you were relying on me too much. I didn't think about it too thoroughly at the time, and it was my negligence. I understand how you felt, but I'm the one who really made this happen. Before I tell you more, I'll confess a story that even my parents don't know.
When I was still in junior high, once I had a crush on this girl. At that time, I took it quite seriously, because it was my true intention to make her happier. I knew she was having a hard time dealing with school, and I almost volunteered to offer my help. Literally, I took it all under my wings and did everything I could to help her get into the school she wanted. What I didn't know, was that I was giving too much care, and somehow it turned into indulgence. I shall stop here. There's no need to reveal what exactly happened at last, because she took it all for granted, and it could never lead to a "and they live happily ever after" ending.
That's the story. I don't regret what I did, because it seems I learned a valuable lesson. But it is unnerving to realize that right now, I sense the same story is unfolding once again. Remember once before I said I liked you? I still do, but now I'm afraid I'm doing things in a slightly wrong way. I just can't afford repeating the same old mistake.
I still remember you said you wante to grow up. I admire your determination, because I'm trying to do the same, yet having so much trouble. One thing I felt, though, is that there are days you have to walk home alone in the ice cold rain, and there are times you weep silently without being comforted by anyone. Maybe it rarely happens at all, but I won't be able to repair your broken heart every time you feel down. Perhaps you still recall that I'll always hold you dear to heart, but will that alone be able to overcome the disappointment?
God's love for us is unconditional. But I'm only human, and it's difficult for me to do the same. Sometimes I feel lonely and helpless, and even though I don't mean any hard, my words may carry a different meaning in your ears. It has already happened once, and despite that I never want to let it happen again, I can't guarantee there's no next time. I'm imperfect as I am, and if you truly care about me, please, just for the moment, bear with my stupidity. I'm not as wise as you think, but honestly, I'm beginning to get tired of apologizing every time something happens. It's hard for me to take it all on myself, even though I never want to see you feel sad.
Once I read from somewhere: true caring is not exactly sticking around the person every minute and doing everything together, but giving support to each other in times of need and going through hardships without giving up the faiths. I will take it as a word of truth. We're both aware that the parting moment is coming soon. But even in those days I'm not around, when despair strikes, come talk to me, and I'll let you know that I'm always there to give you a hand. Still, I will treat you as a full adult from now on, for this is what both of us want to become. It means that there will be pain and pressure, but after the journey, we'll truly be able to understand the meaning of happiness.
I don't like making promises, because someone responsible shouldn't give words for what he's not certain to accomplish. I know time can nurture a relationship or kill it, and let's wait to see whether he's a friend or a foe. Nevertheless, it's my sincere hope to come back to you when it's all said and done. So I pray to my dear Lord to equip me with enough power and faith, in order to tread through the dark water and reach beyond.