I guess this is just a reminder to myself, but I deleted all the previous posts, from the day I had it to now. To be honest, I did hesitate for a while, but in the end, that much of brooding will get me nowhere, so I just went ahead and got rid of all of them. It is almost painful to read them now and recall the happy times before. The truth is a lot things has happened ever since, and everything is just very different from the way it used to be, and that is simply hard to accept.
It's ironic I always thought of myself as a happy person, especially after I went to college. In fact I still insist that I was like that, until I came back home for the vacation. The first day I got back home, I made a promise never to get mad at home, a feat that I achieved in the past year. I used to be short-tempered in many occasions, but at school I never even yelled at someone even when I'm madly furious. I guess I can still be proud to keep the promise, but every moment, I feel more urge inside to break the nonsense and revert to my former self. And if that happens, I don't know how devastated everyone will be, including myself.
When I took the leave, disappointment naturally mounted in everyone's mind. Mom got through because she relied on religion, the God in whom she placed her faith and whole being. I don't know about dad, but he's the toughest guy I know. Everyone else was more or less the same, but I could care less about them because they didn't even understand the entire situation. Actually, no one knew, except myself, since it was so ridiculous that even I felt awkward just thinking and admitting it. I guess you can call me cowardly or heartless, and I won't deny a bit of that.
In any case, now that I was back home, supposedly poised to rehabilitate and get back on form. Thus, I was more upset than ever to find out that I had to deal with more problems. It was frustrating to see how the family tried to help me in their own way, only to make me feel worse than ever and begin to lose the grip of myself, once again. I was well aware of their well-meaning, but when it turned into something bugging you day and night, it was something diffcult for me to appreciate. Still, I don't intend to blame on anyone, anything, because first of all, I shall never make excuses and complaints as a man, and second, it was my fault to begin with.
Sure I still have tons of problems, but everybody else does too. I know all along that the biggest obstacle comes from within myself, but I often lose the battle against this inner monster. I still believe there must be a way to somehow control my every act, as those great dudes are capable of. I need to go out there and present myself, or there shall be no progress whatsoever.
Understanding oneself can be unnerving. It is even more scary to realize that I can look real happy on the surface, but deep down, depression has been lurking all these years. I try everything to make myself forget about it, and I was afraid of it from the start. From the day I came to this continent, I never killed it, and now it had already surfaced and looking to take over. I wonder how long I can last while fighting it off and maintaining sanity.
I heard people saying it is always the best thing that you can find someone to open up yourself, and I don't have such a person. Family has always been caring, but there are certain things that I just do not wish to talk about. I had such friends once before, but no more. I'm sure when I go to the couselors next month, I won't tell them jack either. To put it simply, I been searching for this person all along, only to find her invisible and intangible. As I start to lose my faith, it seems she's going farther away. God is such a being, but there must be another, a person, whom I can touch, speak to, and understand.
I think this much will do for today. Of course, it's impossible to put down all that's going through my mind right now, but I'll have tomorrow, and the day after that, to keep this going, if I'm sane and alive. To all the things in the world, good night and let Lord's love be with you all.
Ron